Whatever you are doing seems to me to be spinning your wheels that you just can't figure out why. What would happen if you stopped "trying to figure out why" and asked yourself different questions about this situation or just walked away from it and focused on something else?

I think maybe there's benefit to not looking inward in the way you have been, but considering who you are as a person in relationships with others. Why are you so interested in having an email connection with a T that you pay lots of money to see in person? Why do you see a connection as a response to email, rather than just being heard (because you know he reads your emails)?

So what's your fundamental problem in relationships with other people (rhetorical question, unless you want to share). From what you've shared on this board I would characterize it as the following (which may be completely wrong): you are a caretaker at work and at home, and in that role with your daughter and your clients/patients/whatever people you help you have positive relationships where people open up to you and see you as a kind, supportive person. In your marriage and in other egalitarian social relationships you share very little of yourself with other people, and it seems difficult for you to allow others to help you, although you are fine giving yourself away to others, just like you do as a parent and at work. In T you have had trouble sharing your life with your T even though it sounds like you long to have the kind of intimate relationship you read about in a recently published memoir by a therapist about her therapy. It seems like you want greater intimacy in therapy but are having trouble in sessions with making it happen, or at least quickly, when the reality is that it can take years to make real progress.

But intimacy isn't just about what you share, it's about the interaction and the connection in real time with real faces in shared safe space. What does it say about you and your desire for connection when you'd be satisfied with a 3 word response hours after you've poured your heart out in email? Why are you grasping for crumbs rather than going for the whole cake? I'm not saying this as a general rule for all time for all people, but it seems to me like the wanting of an email response is indicative of how unwilling you are to accept others' responses or reactions to your intimate disclosures. Why should you want so little back from someone when you express yourself? Why do you choose to be intimate in a way when you cannot possibly receive much back at all?

Maybe this is just a variation of keeping your T at arm's length, or you are scared of the deeper intimacy that you really want, but think you can't have. Again I freely admit this may be total and complete horse doo doo but on the off chance that something might be helpful, there it is. No response needed from me.