So it all started on last wed, when i allowed myself to get drunk after T. it was so nice that the day after i didnt do it but the day after (friday) i got high with pills. i was all excited about getting to smoke weed that wodka and pills didnt seem so much of a thing. problem is saturday and sunday i couldnt get out of the bed. my friend E called but i said i was in bed and didnt want to move out. i was feeling so lazy, lost and sleepy that i stopped taking my meds. (but still my parents anniversary went well)

today at work i found out P was home ill (we exchanged a few texts) and it got me really down. so without a second thought, i started taking pills again and after the grocery store at lunch break, i got some vodka too, and back at work i took some more pills again. i just wanted to not be there.

i contacted my T. i barely spoke to her through texts but i got her understand i was drinking and taking pills while at work. she was concerned and offered to talk abut i declined. im going to see her on wed so no big deal, i'll wait until then.

i came home, got dinner, and drank again. its become like an addiction again. nothing really happened so i dont know why this is happening and i dont feel like stopping at all.

i dnt want to go to work. i dont want to talk with anyone. i dont even want P. i dont want to go at the clinic. i dont want my meds. i dont want to stay at my flat, i dont want to stay with my parents, i dont want to be anywhere. maybe drink and pills yes, cutting, maybe… dying probably… i just want to stay drunk, high or whatever forever. im sorry for everything and everybody else but thats what im feeling at the moment and theres no reason for whats happening. i wish it could happen...