I have cheated on my husband several times. Afterwards, I feel horrible, like a worthless piece of crap. What kind of wife and mother would do such a thing. Yet I still do it again.

The worst time was about 2 years ago. I would call in sick to work, but pretend to go, and then just sit in a motel with my laptop all day and chat with guys online...then meet. I didn't even know their names. Most I only met once and never contacted again.

At that time...I had never heard about the symptoms of bipolar and borderline...specifically the impulsive side. I didn't know.

This happened when I had just barely started treatment for the first time for depression. I had been on anti-depressants for about 3 or 4 weeks when I did all this crap.

Back then, I had no idea. I just thought I was a bad person doing bad things, no one to blame it on but me.

Now, I realize that it could have been a manic episode triggered by the anti-depressants. Maybe.

That was 2 years ago. I have been good. I haven't even thought about cheating on him.

But then just recently...things crashed. I was doing so well last summer. Got a new job, we moved to a new area. I lost a bunch of weight. My life was going great. However...my relationship with my husband got worse instead of better. I always take that personally. Makes me feel hurt and rejected and unwanted. So...maybe I'm just reaching out for someone to care about me, i don't know. But just recently, I've been going online again. Talking to guys. I met two in person.

I can't blame this on meds this time. No one to blame but myself.

I even posted some ads on craigslist. I was going to meet a couple for a threesome but I backed out.

So....what do you think? Sex addict? Or just trying to get what I'm not getting at home, and trying to find something to blame it on? I don't know.

I really don't look at porn, hardly ever. I do think about sex a lot. My husband never wants it. He never has. It was bad LOOONNGG before I ever cheated on him. We were down to maybe once a month if I was lucky...often 2 or 3 months of NOTHING. The longest was a 9 month dry spell...and near the end of that was my last suicide attempt. That was 2004. A few weeks after the suicide was the first time I ever cheated - I met one college guy online, we had a short 2 month fling. At that time I was not yet married, we were just living together.

I just can't handle the rejection from him. Even before I ever betrayed him. Before I ever got fat. He's always been like this, and I don't know why. The first year we were together, it was great. But it's been downhill ever since, and he can't tell me why. I've asked him to go to a doctor, maybe it's physical. But he says there's nothing wrong. So I keep putting it on me. Maybe I'm just no good in bed. Maybe I got too fat or ugly and I'm not attractive enough.

I"m just rambling...sorry. My real question is this. I just started going to therapy again, yesterday. I am determined to make it work this time. But I couldnt' get the guts up to tell the therapist about the recent stuff. I did mention the episode 2 years ago, right after I started the meds. So of course he's thinking Bipolar. But...what if it's not that? What if I'm just a sex addict who can't control myself? How do I tell him what I've been doing, and is he just going to judge me? I just feel so ashamed.