I really do not know how to do this divorce. Why isn't there an instruction manual? At our last meeting to decide child/custody issues (with coach[T], child therapist and the two parents present), I didn't know how to raise the hard issues. I'm just too much of a wimp. Plus, this is about the kids, right? So I try to keep "me" out of it, and put my personal issues aside. Isn't that how it is supposed to go? Yet after the meeting I was left wondering whether I said what needed to be said.

I told T later in our individual session that I wasn't sure that at the meeting I had done enough. I was trying to do what was best for my kids and keep me and my personal issues out of it, and squish down my feelings. He said, "no, no, no." I guess I'm not supposed to do that. I don't get how this is supposed to work, then. T says if I leave me out of it, I lose my strength. He said my self needs to speak. My lawyer says I have no voice in this process. I agree, but I don't know how to have one. I'm just too weak. Then T says I shouldn't bring the hard stuff up at these child meetings anyway, but should wait until the lawyers are present. Huh? Why is that? If I am going to have a voice it will be easier for me when fewer people are there. It's either at the smaller meetings or not at all from my point of view. And I can't even do that. I feel I am failing. T says just use these meetings to get all the issues out on the table. Well, why didn't he say this before the meetings? It does not make sense to me at all. I also told T I felt the meeting had been "boring," which is a strange reaction, but I think now I felt that way because not enough happened, not enough got said, so it was "boring" to me, just same old same old.

T says we have to do more "ego work", to build my ego up so I can do this. Apparently that is what he was doing in our session last week, and also when he phoned me. Sheesh, I thought we were just talking and connecting, but he was doing "ego work" with me. I guess it worked and he accomplished his goal with me, but now I need more (and somehow I feel manipulated). He said we can role play to practice the interactions and he will be my husband (and presumably say awful things to me and I will try to respond with strength). I don't even like my H, how can I have T, who I like tremendously, play the role of this horrible person in my life? Seriously, that is supposed to be somehow helpful? It would mess with my mind. Has anyone ever done role-playing in therapy?

We have another meeting to do child stuff next week (with the foursome). I really don't know how to do it, since I apparently did it wrong last time. This is making me feel very, very uncertain, afraid that every word I say will somehow be a misstep. I don't understand how to keep the kids' best interests in the forefront but still include my voice. Those things seem in opposition. And it is scary to use my voice (where is it, anyway?). My H is there sitting across from me and I am so cowed by him.