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seesaw · May 20, 2019 at 02:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SilverTrees

I found this psych study really fascinating. Also on the tough love theme.

Researchers compared professor responses to college students who had an event during the semester (such as illness or a surgery). The college student is requesting flexibility with an exam date or deadline for a paper. The researchers assumed that professors who had personally experienced something similar during their college years were more likely to offer the flexibility and support than the professors who had no such experience. They found the OPPOSITE to be true!!! Professors who'd never had such an event were more likely to reason: "That sounds really stressful, sure, take the exam when you are feeling better" whereas professors who had been ill during their college years were more likely to reason: "Nobody did me any favors when I went through that....I had to tough it out so why should I give my student special treatment? No, I'm not offering a new exam date, you can take it that date or lose a % of your final grade."

Fascinating, right?!

Some of the most outspoken "pro-life" speakers were later discovered to have had abortions in their past which they kept a secret. Some of the most judgmental comments I've heard (offline) about people living with chem dep were from people already in recovery. Some depressives judge me for not taking medication. Some depressives judge others for not doing therapy.

Humans, we are a mucky bunch aren't we?

I have found this to be true, and not surprised by the outcomes. My stepmother hates all welfare programs because "no one helped her" when she was struggling as a single mother in the 80s. I have often thought, well no one made it easier for me, and then my thought is, but I want others to have it better than me, not worse.

Again, I think tough love gets confused with dissenting perspective. Tough love literally sounds like a person who is in a real relationship with the person receiving the "love" enforcing their personal boundaries. Like Sarahsweets said, enforcing financial boundaries with a child. So maybe it's the fact that this euphemism has been appropriated for abusive behavior, and we should call the behavior exactly what it is: are you enforcing a boundary? Are you expressing a differing perspective? Or are you forcing your thoughts and opinions down someone else's throat? Or are you being overly judgmental? I think if we're really specific to what the behavior was and how it made us feel, we can more clearly talk about it and also address it with each other.

Also, I'd like to encourage you to use person-first language. Don't mean to derail the thread, but I am a person with major depressive disorder, not a depressive. It's not a personality trait; it's a condition. Thanks.