Hello 502041

thank you for sharing your truth here. I am sorry you are in so much pain. That sounds like a really tough time you're having.

A few thoughts for you....

it seems that much of your pain may be coming from a lot of focus on your former partner rather than on yourself. You seem to be keeping track of her current life etc. I don't know if that's online or you run into each other. I recommend that you take steps to completely stop tracking her life. If you're on social media, close your account or do what you need to do so you can't see her posts. I think that will help to end the "haunting" feeling.

You mentioned having been "reparented" by her. I don't know what that means? Would you care to elaborate?

Some of your pain seems to come from judging your current life in juxtaposition to the one you believe you should have....house, partner etc. Try throwing out the numbers....30 versus 24 and 'should's etc. Try thinking of yourself as a person (age doesn't matter) with strengths and needs.

The primary need which may be helpful to address is your self-esteem. It sounds like you don't intrinsically value yourself or your life. So you place emphasis on external things such as house and partner and then feel that you are coming up short. But you aren't of any less value than all the other 30 year olds (or any age) on the planet.

Would you be open to speaking with a therapist about your feelings? I think you would really benefit from professional support.

As far as the "betrayal" goes....I wonder if there is a different way to think about it which could help to set you free from your current suffering. What if instead of telling yourself: "She betrayed me and never had to pay a consequence" you tell yourself "She and I tried something, there was love until there wasn't, it didn't work out and I am disappointed. In time, the disappointment will fade. I'm going to focus on myself now, not her, because she is no longer someone in my life. "

There are less pressuring ways for you to build connections and feel appreciated and validated.....volunteering, joining social groups not aimed at dating etc.

Sometimes when life doesn't go as we hope or expect, we can start to unwittingly think ourselves into a corner. Trust me, I've been there! Maybe between PC and a therapist we could help you to open up that corner? You are young. You have time to build the life you want. There is no deadline for having a house and partner. Not having a house or partner also does not mean you are unworthy or "less than" others.

People who are not happy within themselves have a very difficult time building a lasting and healthy relationship with a partner. It's really important to build self-esteem first and then share our joys with another person with well developed self-esteem. It sounds like you may have been trying to do it the other way around....acquiring self-esteem from a partner. I've been there too. It doesn't work. But that's not to say that you can't try a new approach. You said you want stability. That is an excellent goal. I just think you need to tweak the plan....perhaps start with personal/internal stability first....you can address stability in a partnership or as a parent later.

Does any of this make sense? I'm happy to chat further if you'd like to share more. I wish you peace, hope, and a bright future. Try to think of your life as a journey to enjoy rather than a destination to race to. You articulately expressed your losses and sorrows. Now what about your joys and interests? What makes you tick, so to speak? What do you love to do?