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What was a very loving relationship started to crack when long distant and I was actually very dependant in many ways on it as well as resentful.
My attachment style is avoidant with a bit of fear of abandonment thrown in there. Anyway leading up to the final break up we barely saw each other and I raised the issue of ending our relationship multiple times.
Eventually we began to end it but they got with someone else in that process. We hadn't ended although it was going to in hinsight I feel betrayed by this and still very hurt.
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I'm sorry that you are longing for the positives that you had with your ex-girlfriend.
Your
attachment style could play a large part of why you're responding this way to the breakup one-year later.
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The relationship wasn't perfect and their were problems and it wasn't sustainable, but there was a lot of love there. I am just struggling with holding these two things in hand, I cannot describe the level of care and reparenting my ex gave me but then she completely betrayed me as well.
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When we experience betrayal in a romantic relationship from our partner, not only does it shatter our trust in them as a person, but it damages our ability to trust others. I have experienced this with myself, with men I've dated, who've cheated on me.
As a result, I've not dated in 10 years (which in hindsight, is a shame b/c I could have dated a lot of great guys or at least, learned more about myself through more dating experiences but I chose not to date, which probably wasn't the most productive choice).
But I understand your struggle to hang on to the good memories whilst trying to let go of the resentment, anger, hurt, betrayal, and sadness. It is not easy to balance those feelings after a relationship ends. I think it's natural to dwell, b/c dwelling is part of the process we go through, to try to understand what caused the relationship to fail. For the purpose of getting emotional closure.
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I feel this grieving process is going on for long time and they are still with the person they cheated on me with. Whilst I still have a recovery of mental health to manage she is happy as they can be I don't doubt there are issues in paradise, but I know she has the things that make her happy. Me, I feel like I have walked away with all the consequence of a break up.
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While I understand how difficult it is to let go, I'm afraid you need to find a way to do that so that you can feel better. I know that you feel like you walked away with the raw end of deal because she cheated on you and is still happily with that man she cheated on you with; while you are alone and struggle to move on. It makes total sense that you feel like you got "screwed" in the relationship department. Because you did. But, her happiness should be none of your concern anymore. Why? Because, your happiness is what matters here.
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I raise this now after a year as I see them with their other half and their family as I am struggling to even imagine myself in a relationship. I feel like they have broken my trust inherently without the consequence.
I also know their life has gone largely unchanged and they have maintained their friendships as I have had to effectively build mine from scratch. I feel haunted. I am 30 years old and I want the family, the house and I want stability. But I feel I am living like a 24 year old.
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Usually, when someone cheats on us, the consequence is that they ruined the relationship with us by their actions. We did nothing wrong. It is completely natural for you to feel like she destroyed your trust in women, and in people in general. Because her actions caused you to feel that way. My concern for you, is that you give her way too much power over your self-view of what you have to offer women. She is one woman. She is not every woman.
You are 30 years old, so you still have time to find the right woman to be your partner in life, who you can have a healthy, happily, reciprocal relationship with and have a family together. Do not give this ex-girlfriend so much power over your present, or your future. She doesn't deserve it, nor does she belong in your present or your future. Of course you feel haunted. She really, really hurt you.
Loneliness doesn't need to become your permanent companion. If you want to start casually dating women again, then I think you should try it. Don't make the mistake that I did, and forbid yourself from ever dating again due to fear of being cheated on again.
Let me serve as a terrible warning to you. I missed out on a decade of my life, of dating, by choosing (out of fear, mind you) not to date...period. In hindsight, I was foolish to give that much power to the unknown based on how men have mistreated me in my past relationships. As a result, I didn't allow myself to grow emotionally from those abusive experiences. Instead, I chose complacency, which is death to emotional growth.
Had I "got back on the horse" and started casually dating again, who knows if I'd be in a long-term healthy relationship even now. I'll never know b/c I didn't try again.
I'm sorry you are struggling to get over this ex-girlfriend. I hope that you can move forward and realize that she doesn't deserve to have this kind of power over your life emotionally. She is one woman. There are better women out there for you.