Thank you both Mickey and Mopey for still talking to me, it means a lot. i know im in a self destructive mode but i need it. after being like a good robot for so long... id have to explode.

today went a bit "better". i took pills this morning then i got drunk at lunch and then my body rebelled to me so i was very nausous for the rest of the day and i stopped taking pills and i didnt drink tonight. its victory for my body but im not happy about it.

but i have to admit i got to do more stuff. cooked dinner, cleaned by bathroon (finally), got ready for tomorrow (sending a package, seeing T, getting money out of an atm etc.). im also losing weight…

but im still struggling and i would dream of using drugs but i dont know whom to ask or how to get it. maybe i'll ask E again. P is still ill but we keep in touch via texts. its more me texting him than viceversa but its ok for me now. i do still care a little bit but i care about getting high more.

tonight i was worried i mixed up alcohol and benzos. of course just a little big amount of it but what if my body reacted wrong and i had died? one part of me wanted it and one part of me was scared about it.

i dont know what will happen tomorrow when i see T. but nothing i guess…

ps. work is still and always playing in the background of my day and today i wondered what was the point in going if i couldnt see P? im depressed...