Quote:
Originally Posted by ennie
In the below video, the psychotherapist discusses how narcissists use induced conversation, which is a conversation with the intent of manipulating us. He advises us to:
"Observe but don't absorb."
YouTube
This is a really good advice for the future. |
This video is perfect timing b/c I just experienced this last night with my toxic mother who now has dementia.
I also found this website about induced conversation:
The 8 Most Common Narc-Sadistic Conversation Control Tactics | Thought Catalog
An on-going problem with my mother's dementia is her sundowning where she wanders around her apartment at night, then will fall, that requires me to call the fire department to ask for a "lift assist." Then I lose a night of sleep, and the cycle repeats itself with her.
Last night, i gave her a choice: either sleep in her bed, or sleep on her couch but I will not allow her to do both (much like speaking to a toddler). Her response was to try to induce an argument, to avoid taking responsibility for her dementia-driven behavior.
She immediately accused me, "you want me to choose one room to sleep in, b/c it's more convenient for you!" Instead of immediately responding like I always did growing up, with a defensive response, I just observed and didn't absorb her toxic response, as a new defensive strategy.
I waited, and then responded in a calm voice, "So, you will choose one room to sleep in tonight and stay in that room, ok, mom?" I just repeated it a few more times, in between her attempts to induce an argument with me, which I REFUSED to engage in.
It took a lot of energy out of me, but it worked! She stayed in her bedroom ALL NIGHT last night and I was able to get a full night sleep. I think I will have to try this technique every night now. Thanks ennie for bringing it up! I feel more informed now and empowered about my living situation with my mother whose dementia has magnified her toxic personality tenfold.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes
Thanks for posting this video talk ennie. When watching it I could actually see how this is exactly what my older sister does with me. That is a very long toxic saga around both my parents and my sister's obsessive and toxic control over them right up to both their very last breaths and even funerals. Watching that video definitely hit some red flags that I have experienced from my older sister.
I found it very validating in how this psychologist talked about how important it is to break ties and distance. This past Saturday was my mother's funeral service that I knew was all about my older sister and HER drama. I chose not to go and that was so hard but I can no longer expose myself to my sister's toxicisity. My feelings are not important either, that much my sister consistently has said in so many toxic ways now. This would have been ALL ABOUT HER and HER feelings and simply no longer wish to expose myself to that kind of person.
Yes, these toxic individuals DO use what you care about to hurt you and control you too.
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Sorry that you had to miss your mother's funeral. I have a feeling when it comes time for my mother's funeral, I also won't attend b/c I don't want to deal with my siblings' toxic behavior. I know exactly how you feel.