Hello TishaBuv,

so sorry you are struggling with this situation and feeling abandoned. That sounds really sad and confusing for you

As an outsider, what I think is happening could perhaps be related to boundary issues. Your son is growing and stretching his wings and exercising his autonomy. You mentioned an issue you had when he had a job in college and did not tell you. I don't see why he would be required to tell you as an adult in college. At that point, it was up to him to manage his time and sink or swim, so to speak, in the academic world. If you were you financially supporting him in college and that was the issue, it's best to withdraw the financial support and let him find his own way....with student loans and a job etc. The fact that he kept the job to himself was his way of setting a boundary there. You deemed it "sneaky" and "not smart" so your son could be picking up on the fact that you have difficulty with those boundaries. His response to that may be distancing himself.

It sounds like you are not a fan of his fiance; he is probably aware of that. I don't know if you have commented directly on her to him but he could likely feel tension there. That could be another cause of distance, if he feels you are not openly accepting his chosen partner he may be more comfortable not being at home and bringing her around you etc.

You mentioned that your husband was not in the habit of calling his parents so you often asked him to. That's another good example of a boundary issue. It's your husband's choice whether he calls his parents or not.

I think you said perhaps your son (the distant one) still asks for money. I recommend knocking that habit on the head. If he's old enough to move out and go to college and get married, he's old enough to support himself financially. It's untenable for him to distance himself emotionally from you while also taking money from you. That must be confusing and frustrating for you!

I understand why you feel sad about the distance and lack of communication. You could try a combination of honoring his space while also giving him some signs that you are going to work on respecting his boundaries. You could perhaps make an effort the next time you're together in person (I don't know if that's still happening) to invite his fiance and warmly welcome her and take time to get to know her better. You could even send a text....something like: "Haven't seen you for a while and would love to catch up with you and your fiance....does she have a favorite meal we could prepare for you two? I also am aware of how busy you are and want to respect your schedule. Thinking of you and wishing you both well! "

Just a few ideas for you TishaBuv. Boundary issues are so common and tricky for us humans and I think one of the most frequent sources of family strife. I wish you peace, hope, and a bright future