I’m all over the place emotionally today.

My H and I had an ugly argument this weekend. We seem to have an ugly fight about every three months.

I don’t think he’s happy with me. I tend to lose my patience and my temper sometimes. I get frustrated and I don’t handle it well.

I’ve been trying really hard to be kind, patient, give him lots of compliments, give him lots of personal space. I’ve been trying to fix my hair and makeup and bought new clothes.

He shows little interest in spending time with me. It’s been this way for years but it’s getting worse. When he does spend a day with me I am ridiculously grateful...

We have no friends or social life. We don’t do much together. He spends most of his time watching the same movies over and over. His road rage rattles my nerves so I tend to avoid going places with him and he doesn’t like my driving.

He doesn’t seem to want me around. He does buy me gifts and listen to my problems and offer good solutions. That’s really all we have left.

The other day during our ugly argument he asked me if I remembered the time I was looking at pictures on his phone and noticed many of mine had disappeared. He told me he had deleted them because he couldn’t stand the sight of me. I cried for a long time after that so then he said that was years ago and he didn’t mean it. I can’t stop thinking about it though.

There is one thing this marriage has taught me more than anything: how to be alone.

I haven’t told my H that I come to this website because he would judge me. He would see it as weak, naïve, and foolish on my part to be talking to people I don’t know about my issues. If I make friends IRL he judges them, doesn’t trust them... he seems to view it as a weakness that I want to have friends.

I don’t think I’m the only one with the problem in this marriage. I do have plenty of issues. I don’t think he wants to be with me anymore but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to go through another divorce so he tolerates me. I don’t know what I would have done without PC. Last year this time when I joined... I had spent about six weeks almost completely alone while H and I barely interacted. I had nobody to talk to. He’s happy with it that way but if I bring the issue up he says it’s my fault.

There are two sides to every story of course... thanks for listening to mine... although my H says I manipulate and twist things to suit my own purposes... This is all weighing heavy on my heart.