It sounds a bit like you and your husband were a bit to overly-involved, directional, about his college coursework, internships, etc., and as an adult, he decided to make his own money and make some decisions on his own so that he could gain some independence and self-governance in his own life. I don't think being "sneaky" or "secretive" was his aim; rather, he simply needed some space to learn how to be independent of his parents.

You are great parents to help financially, but college-aged adults need some financial and decision-making space to figure things out, and several of your posts about this sound a bit like you had a bit more involvement in his decision making than would really be comfortable for most guys his age. He may make mistakes. This relationship may or may not make it. It's not your decision. It's his life to learn from.

I am the mother to three men. ALL of them wanted to have at least some of their own funds under their own control, not just the money we may have given them. They wanted their own money with no strings attached to Mom and Dad. NONE of them wanted Mom or Dad telling them what courses to take in college, what internships to be involved in, etc.

Space. They wanted and needed their space, including what courses they would take, what jobs they might work at, what career they would choose, and what they could swing financially to the best of their ability while they figured all that out.

Because we stayed pretty hands-off when it came to their decision-making after high school, they have always stayed in contact and the lines of communication have been open because they know they can ask for advice and we won't dictate expectations to them. Have they all taken the same collegiate path? No. That wasn't what they all wanted, and we heard them and have tried to either remain supportive (financially or otherwise) as we could, OR we let them know what our own boundaries were financially and otherwise. So long as they weren't being bums (and none of them are freeloaders by any means), they could choose their own path. And boy, have they ever!

I wonder. Are you really a listener with your son? Or, perhaps, and I'm not criticizing, just noticing based on this thread, is there a bit too much "guidance" and perhaps his distance is the only way he sees that he can make his own decisions without judgment because your post calls him "secretive," "sneaky," etc. and describes a great many expectations from you that perhaps aren't really what he wants, or, he may want them, but with a lesser degree of involvement from you.

Interestingly, you talk about yourself as a "good daughter-in-law," trying to get your husband and his family to be closer. Again, that's your need and your expectation. Maybe that isn't what really needed to happen. By comparison, you've basically decided your son is not "good" (I'm not quoting you, but that seems to be your take-away here) because he isn't meeting your preconceived expectations of what a good son does. There just seems to be an element of you having particular ideas and expectations about how other people are supposed to behave. That tends to rub adult people the wrong way; they usually would rather figure life out for themselves. Particularly growing men. Even if it means they screw up once in awhile.

Moms and Dads sometimes just have to bite our tongues and butt out. My husband and I basically picked our battles and let our sons figure life out as much as possible. We've found they have appreciated the respectful space, and in turn, they know they can come to us when they need to and we won't judge. We may not always completely agree, but ultimately, they know their decisions are their own and so long as their handling life with decency, responsibility, and a sense of personal values (their own), we're pretty okay with that and they know that. We have three VERY different sons who have taken VERY different paths in life, but they are all decent people. They are hard-working, pretty content with their lives, of good character. They aren't perfect, but they are good people. What more can parents ask?

Give him some space, Mom. I suspect he'll "come back" when he feels its safe to do so because you've accepted his need and ability to make his own decisions, for right or wrong.