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What your father did to you was brutal, and your step mother's reply was horrific no matter what she thought had happened! And to use combat skills he had learned in the military on his daughter bc he was angry, that's really grave.
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Thank you for saying this. Most people either try to defend her or both of them or make me feel "wrong" for feeling as I do.
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I can relate to realizing new aspects of an abusive situation, and then have all the force of PTSD wash back over you. It doesn't really take much either.
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I am sorry you can relate to that - it is not a "fun" thing. It used to be a lot worse for me .. it has gotten better, but that dream really set me off and I have no idea what triggered the memory or even thoughts of it.
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And I too believe it doesn't ever go away completely. I'm thinking that something that had you so traumatized that you got PTSD impacts you too deeply for it to ever go away. Just like a scar never goes away. But that you can have good periods, and that the bad times are less bad...
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I agree on this but I don't think any therapust or doctor will ever admit it as truth.
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And those therapists... They shouldn't have that kind of job! You'd think that people trained in psychology and treating PTSD patients know it's not possible to "just get over it". It's hard to get help that actually helps.
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I honestly have come to the conclusion all therapists are cruel in some manner. Each one I have had has been. So I am basing my conclusion mostly off experience, but talking with people on here - I have not heard good experiences either. Perhaps I am wrong, but I only give a small possibility for it.
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I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this. It's just so incredibly unfair, that not only are you hurt in a given situation and then it's over, but that you keep experiencing the feelings you had over and over and over, and how it affects so many parts of your life.
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Thank you for your kindness. ❤
I understand life is never fair though.
I have also come to the conclusion that pain (of all nature) will be dealt more n more often as time goes by. It upsets me when I cannot understand it and when I see people not caring about others (be it myself or someone else). I also become really rattled when all my mh problems topple on me all at one time bc then nothing seems to make sense. So, I think pain is going to become a bigger and bigger part of everyone's life - whether ot is from current things, past things, mh problems, self destructive things, or simply people not caring ... all of it causes pain.
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They don't only hurt you then and there, they also take away everything that was supposed to feel good for years to come. All the experiences you were supposed to have, but that you didn't because you were lying in bed, or on the bathroom floor too exhausted to stand up. They steal your life. And not a lot of people seem to understand that.
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This is similar to how I used to be when my PTSD was really bad. Thunderstorms (even small ones) used to cause me to turn ice cold and completely white. I would not be able to move at all and just be trapped in a memory of when I was stuck outside in a thunderstorm bc I had been walking several miles to meet up with my ex boyfriend (he was going to meet me and carry me on his bike the rest of the way - we did this while dating too .. met half way). When I got halfway to meeting him, it started thunderstorming. Lightning was coming down everywhere. Several fire trucks were out putting out fires in different areas from where lightning had stuck trees, telephone poles, etc. When we finally did meet up n he had me on his bicycle, he veered off toward the woods behind our school. I asked where he was going. He said
He kept going .. I jumped off the bike. He ran after me and grabbed me and tried to pull me over. I jerked my hand and it slipped out bc of how wet I was from the rain - and ran across 4 lanes of traffic without checking to look for cars. I ran to a restaurant directly across the street - as I passed an electricity pole, it got struck by lightning. Just as I got to the restaurant, the lights went out. In the state of mind I was in - I didn't realize that electricity pole had also had a transformer on it and it had thus knocked out the electricity.. but rather thought the restaurant had just closed. I sank down in front of the door, holding my knees and sobbing, and rocking back and forth. It took 10 people to coax me inside. Once inside, they gave me free drinks bc I was in shock. While I was drinking - my ex came in. He sat at the same table as me, directly across from me, staring at me. So that whole thunderstorm, I spent staring at him, scared. That thunderstorm was so bad afterward the whole sky was a neon orange color. I have not seen that before or since. It changed the sky that color bc of all the electricity that had been in the air. After that, I connected thunderstorms to that experience - and went back to the feeling of how I was outside the door n of looking into his eyes.
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I don't know if any of this made any sense.. But I care. You matter, your feelings matter, your life matters. I don't know if you manage to feel it for yourself, but you are so precious! And you deserve so much better that what you have been given.
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It made perfect sense, and I really do appreciate you deeply for the kindness you have shown with these words. Sometimes I know I matter n etc (most times unless my mh is acting up) but sometimes I just feel - I should "step back" and let others do or say what they need so they can feel better. That can be healthy at times - but I still have issue figuring out when it is healthy n when it is not. I used to always allow others feelings to overrule my own n rather willingly be a stepping stone. Now, I tend to want to be the one who is listened to all the time. In the moments I am either not heard or allow someone else's feelings to overrule my own - I feel I am going back to the past days and start feeling I no longer matter anymore. So .. it's hard for me to balance even though I know I need to. I hope that makes sense?