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Originally Posted by SummerTime12
I have exciting news!! I was offered 2 jobs and accepted my top choice today! This will help us out SO MUCH. On top of that, I found out that my husband’s work provides us with a card to cover up to a certain amount of out of pocket medical/behavioral health expenses. So I will be able to continue seeing my t!
To help us get through til our next mortgage payment though, I have been dog-walking fo a few months as @ H011yHawkJ311yBean suggested. I also babysit when I can (I was a nanny for a long time).
Regarding my husband, I appreciate all the comments and support. I don’t really know what to think about it right now, but I want you all to know I’ve read each comment and will think about everything. I’ll probably bring it up to my t now that I’m seeing him again soon (unless he’s booked lol). Also, my husband doesn’t drink or so drugs so it’s nothing related to that. Could be something mental health though, but he doesn’t want to see a therapist. I have a feeling that maybe I’ve made him sound worse than he is here due to the responses, but I can’t be totally sure so I guess that’s where my t comes in. I don’t want you all to think it just went in one ear and out the other; I’m definitely giving it thought. I just think it’s possibly more of an anger issue than anything. He’s really supportive of me in other ways. Idk. It’s so hard to explain. I also did a lot of reading on emotional abuse after I broke up with my ex who fit the description to a T, but it’s like.. my husband matches some of those characteristics maybe 10% of the time? Which is why it doesn’t feel like it’s truly that, because then where do you draw the line? When does mistreatment become abuse? These are all just my thoughts as I try to process this. |
Congratulations on the job. I know that's a weight off.
Regarding your husband: He may not be abusive as in
always abusive which sure can make knowing how to approach the situation fuzzy.
I know you said he didn't want to see a therapist, but it sounds like he has a hard time handling his own fears, anxieties, etc., and it comes out as verbally abusive language toward you at times when what you both probably need is to be able to support each other.
Even if your husband won't go to therapy, this is an important dynamic to bring up in your own therapy because your therapist can help you learn to set clear boundaries about what kind of treatment you accept from other people and perhaps problem-solve a bit.
My husband went through a bit over a year of very out-of-character behavior that my therapist helped me see was very emotionally manipulative and emotionally abusive; it was actually emotional blackmail. It was a reaction to his own stuff and really wasn't about me, but I was the "safe" target for venting his anxieties.
Fortunately, my husband was willing to also see a therapist. But the real change came from my own setting up of clearer boundaries about what I would accept and realizing how I had, without realizing it, enabled his behaviors simply because I was so "safe" and patient with him. But internally, it was tearing me up and creating additional issues in my own healing process.
My therapist helped me figure out how to set boundaries and "teach" my husband what I would and would not accept. Yes, he didn't like new boundaries at first (we hear a great deal right on this forum about how upset people get when boundaries change even when they are needed). My therapist told me there would be push back for awhile, and there was. But between my healthier boundaries and his therapy, in a matter of a few months, things improved.
I would say our relationship is on much firmer ground now and for the most part, my husband doesn't fall back into that pattern anymore. Every now and then, he'll slip a bit. It's been happening some this last few months because he's been in excessive physical pain, but the difference now is that I can call him on in (respectfully), and he responds with sincere apology and makes the needed adjustments.