T Monday. Went back and sat down. I said I was nearly late because of construction on one road. He was puzzled as to why I'd taken that road, so we ended up in a 5-minute discussion of various routes to his office, with each of us saying we'd try the others' route (we live in similar directions from his office). Then T asked, "So how are you doing?" Me: "Pretty good...I think?" T: "You think?" Me: "Yeah, was a pretty good weekend." I shared some details about how it had gone.
Me: "I'm not sure what to talk about today." I started to continue, then T started to say something. Me: "Go ahead." T: "No, I interrupted you." Me: "It's OK. I thought you were going to have a suggestion on what to talk about." T: "No, something else." Me: "OK, well, I was wondering if we should discuss more from my teen years, since I think that's where the desire to play that song came from. Oh, did you end up figuring out what song it reminded you of?"
T said he got an answer, but not a simple one. He said he'd check what they said, and proceeded to look at his phone a couple minutes, while I watched a blue and black butterfly out the window. He found it and said the person told him the National song sounded like "a mashup of U2, Springsteen, Snow Patrol, and Modest Mouse." I said I liked most of those and Modest Mouse is one of the bands I saw in the past year. He said it didn't help him figure out the actual song. I said the National had just released a new album Friday, and I really liked it so far. He seemed quite happy for me.
Me: "So what were you going to say before?" T: "I'm concerned you'll take this as a rejection, but it's not intended that way." Me: "Uh, OK..." T: "I was just thinking that when people say they not sure what to talk about, it's often a sign they're ready to reduce sessions." I started crying. T: "This is why I was unsure of saying it...and I'm not saying you should reduce sessions." Me: "I know, I'm sorry. I know I seem to be doing better lately." T: "Yes, you have been." Me: "I guess I just don't feel I'm that far removed from not being OK." T: "Really?" Me: "Yeah, there was that stuff from a month ago..." (I should have been more specific.) T: "OK." Me: "I just feel I want more time of doing well under my belt before I try reducing. I mean, maybe like if you go on vacation, I wouldn't see a backup. Or something. Maybe in a month or so if I'm still doing OK, I could try once a week." T: "It's no rush. When you're ready." Me: "OK."
We still had 25 minutes left. I said maybe we should talk about more teenaged stuff. I ended up talking a bit about my dating history in high school and college. Which led to me talking briefly about the journalism teacher who we'd discussed before (he treated me like I was special and I developed feelings for him). T asked what I felt I was looking for from him. I said it was partly acceptance, understanding, his believing in me. Going to trigger this next whole section.
Possible trigger:
T asked if I'd felt any sexual desire for the teacher, and I said I wasn't really sure, felt more like just romantic and wanting acceptance.
Me: "And...well, I don't know if I talked about him before, but there was also a connection with a 9th grade teacher, also English teacher. He gave me this poem related to 'Twin Peaks' because I'd watched it at the time." T: "Didn't they remake that?" Me: "Yeah, but I haven't seen it." T: "Sorry, that's off topic." Me: "It's OK. So he gave me this poem and at the time I felt some connection to him. But then later I learned he'd slept with one of our classmates, this cheerleader, actually in the school." T: "Yikes. Was he fired for that I hope?" Me: "I know he left the school, but he may have gotten teaching job elsewhere. But then I wondered with the poem...was he grooming me? Plus I thought there was an intellectual connection, and he hooked up with ...well, she wasn't very intellectual."
Me: "And...I can' remember if I ever told you about this. But there was this older guy I met online--actually a high school principal in [a different state]--like on America Online, in a chat room. And...this is so of that time period--but I'd end up talking to him on a payphone at the mall where I worked. I mean, now people would just use cell phones." T asked how old I was then, I said 17. Me: "And we talked about meeting halfway once, but then he realized I was 17 and he said he'd lose his job." T: "How old did he think you were?" Me: "I guess at least 18." T: "That's pretty risky. You're really lucky that nothing happened there." Me: "Yeah...or with one of the teachers. I guess I'm lucky that I was drawn to ethical people. I mean...I guess ex-MC, too..."
Me: "Oh, and I guess there was the bass player of the band I did the zine for who I also talked to online, though he was just mid-20s. He had a girlfriend though." T: "What did you talk about?" Me: "Some sexual stuff, including like S&M." T: "Wow, your parents really let you have free reign on the Internet." Me: "well, stuff wasn't as publicized then. I'm sure they didn't know what I was doing."
T asked what I felt I was looking for from these people. I said I wasn't sure. That I'd need to think on it before. Because they're all men, it suggests something I missed from my father. That I knew some of it was wanting acceptance and understanding. T agreed. I said maybe also for them to believe in me, like the teacher had made me editor-in-chief of the school newspaper and had chosen me to win a local essay contest. For the online people, I wasn't sure.
Talked about what I'm looking for from people now. How it seems that now I look for acceptance and understanding more from equals, like friends, rather than older male authority figures. We both agreed on that. And of course this was right at the end of the session when I was like, "But then there's ex-MC." (And I wanted to be like "and you" to T, but again, it was the end of session.) I teared up a bit. I said I'd have to think more on what I was looking for from them.
I said I knew we had to stop. T confirmed Thursday. T asked if I wanted to do Tues/Thurs. or Tues/Friday next week. Me: "I guess you're not coming in on Memorial Day?" T: "I haven't decided yet." Went with Tues/Friday. As I went over to pay, he said that with his work, it's much like me (I'm a freelance editor), that he'll still have the same amount of work in one week, even with a day off. So he had to see what his schedule looked like--he wouldn't want to work 9 hours Sunday and Tuesday in order to take off Monday. That if it was that, he'd prefer three 6-hour days. It felt slightly odd hearing him explain those details of his decision-making process--maybe because it rubbed in the fact that I'm his job? I don't know...I did tell him if he decides to come in Monday, to let me know, and he said he would.
Shook hands as T said, "Have a good week!" Me: "You too." I did the usual glancing back thing as I was walking out the door, but he didn't look up. I quietly said "bye" and left.