Today went ok. tonight i couldnt sleep so i stayed op until midnight on the comp to write my stuff. since i quitted one particular type of meds i cant sleep anymore. (did it on purpose because its time for me to go down the hole).

today work went on as always. this morning i woke up with a lancinant pain in in my stomach so i dedided to not mix up alcohol and meds together again. this morning i was clean but so sleepy that i was almost like i took some pills.

after work i got some alcohol, then went to send a package to my friend, got out some money for my bro's bday, and went to visit old coworkers at the RU. it was so nice being with them there.

after that i had session with T and i got there drunk. she was feeling guilty because it all started last week when she made me talk about my abuser. i do not deny it was hard but i dont think its why it started. getting drunk and getting my abuser email back and having E offering me weed…. thats what i think drove me to go back to pills and alcohol.

i made T a chronological order of what happened after last wed: drinking, getting my abuser email, restarting with pills and alcohol, total rest for the weekend (becasue of how many pills i took), stopping that particular med.

and then restarting the week again, on monday with the feeling i was going to lose everything and i didnt want to go to work... and restarting with pills and alcohol. P was ill so we exchanged a few texts and today he texted me first and i was happy about that but its not enough. i want to feel drunk or high forever.

Yesterday afternoon i got a bad nausea so i stopped pills and alcohol, but i did wonder why go to work if P isnt there? i got home, cleaned the bathroon and couldnt sleep as i said.

today after T (we did talk more about CSA and i was ashamed of that but also happy about that), i drank again, took a shower, cooked dinner (something new that didnt come out too bad) and came back here on PC.

my T said she is ready to get me admitted at the clinic next week but i dont agree. i dont want to go there. i just want to go on like this with alcohol and pills to help me cope during the day until it helps or anobody finds that out.

i only need her to be there for me week after week and maybe contact my exT every now and then, like tomorrow maybe. things are going WELL. as planned even if a bit late.

things are ok, following through the plan...