Quote:
Originally Posted by Dnester
****trigger warning (mention of sexual impulses)****
I have talked about this before. I wont go into details but I have bad sexual impulses. They can be towards anyone. Sometimes when they are really bad and I am fighting not to act I will get in a literal psychical fight with my body. I want to act and I dont want to a my body fights against these two wills. It kind of looks like I am having a fit. It happened the end of last week. The group home administrator lives in the building. She has two dogs and only me and two other people are allowed to visit them. She just doesnt trust people wont hurt them. I love animals. Anybody that knows me will tell you that I am a animal lover and I spent 10 years of my life as vet assistant. I often go into her room and play with the dogs. Sometimes I even snuggle up with them and take a nap. Well this particular day I was watching whatever channel that she had put on and before I knew it the show had mentioned SA and I was triggered and had the impulse to touch the dog. Instead of touching the dog innapropriately I raised my hand above the dog so my hand would be away and then kind of went through some jerking movements in a literal fight with my body not to be bad. This has been going on since I was 7. I just dont know why.
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I guess what strikes me here is your use of "I". You say "I" have bad sexual impulses. These impulses aren't owned by another, they are owned by you. "You" have experienced them since you were seven. They are not dissociated, they are a part of your personal experience over many years.
Like Betty_Banana says, normal people experience internal conflicts every day. Part of them wants to do one thing and another part doesn't. It is normal to have different parts of the self, and conflicting feelings about something. The world is never black and white, human experience is never black and white.
I have conflicts within my own self - yesterday I did not want to go to work at all but I also didn't want to have to call in sick when I actually wasn't. I
really didn't want to go to work, I was struggling badly. But after going back and forth about this conflict I made the decision to go because I did not want to lie to my employer in order to have a sick day.
That wasn't with me and another alter, that conflict was entirely mine, within my own self. It wasn't dissociated. "I" was the owner of both sides of the conflict. I didn't want to go to work AND I didn't want to call in sick. I had no choice but to choose which action to take.
From what you have written you had the impulse to touch the dog and you also didn't want that to happen. You experienced the conflict of both sides as you fought your own impulse. It must be an uncomfortable impulse to be sure.