Hi PC friends,

I'm trying to comprehend some pretty big topics. I understand that there is a continuum for dissociative disorders and that each of us has a uniquely developed "system." I also understand that I am not going to be able to "figure it all out" overnight...but I think some part of me is soothed by defining terms, so I can be more in the know about what can feel like a giant topic.

What is co-consciousness? Is it possible to have an awareness of some parts but not others?

Is there a difference in the term "parts" or "alters?" Everyone has parts. So at what point does it cross over into alters? What is the difference between feeling "fragmented" or having alters?

Amnesia. So I don't remember a giant chunk of my childhood. And over the years, I have "lost time" and gone into trance/zoning out/dissociation. But I have not had the "suddenly I was in San Francisco" thing or completely not knowing what year it is. I would say it's more like, I know that I graduated from here, and that I did this or that, but I don't associate that as me. Like I did some videos and I almost can't bear to look at them, because it feels like I am watching someone else. I know it is me. But I can't connect with the experience of being in the videos.

I very often have that horrible experience of not knowing how to do something, like understand numbers or balance my checkbook, where I have known how to do that in the past. Or like drawings I have done that I can not actually do other times.

Internal dialogue vs "hearing voices." Not recognizing myself in the mirror, but knowing it is "me." Or seeing a "me" in the mirror that I feel like I haven't seen for a while.

I scored very high on the DES and MID assessments. Yet, I feel this crazy sense of denial. Like "that's not me" but it is.

Did you tell your significant other or family about DID? And are there "degrees" of DID?

If you are willing to share any of your experiences while you were first in the discovery process of your own DID, I would appreciate it. I feel like I have this giant tremendous task in front of me...at times it makes perfect sense. At times I am in complete denial and think I am making things up in my mind. And at times I want or need to know more...so that I can almost stop obsessing about "knowing more."

Hope this made a drop of sense...and again, I know all of our experiences are different. I feel so alone. (And yet not, ha ha.)

Ugh.

FearLess47