I just wanted to say I understand and can very much relate. As someone who deals with chronic illness and pain, multiple surgeries and a past similar to what MoxieDoxie described (where it was almost like I would get in trouble for not feeling well.) I am having a very rough time sorting out what is organic (physical cause), what is psychological. I have the tendency to totally dissociate from pain and deny that it is happening. And yet, at the same time this tremendous guilt and shame for still being a mess, or always seeming to be suffering with something. I also know that when I am very stressed, triggered and worried (but won't allow myself to express these things) it comes out in my body. Like my body is screaming for my attention. But my mind is telling me I don't matter or must be mistaken. It's a mess!

Pain is complex. Trusting doctors is complex. Trusting our own selves and bodies is complex. So while I can't point you to any specific articles or special tips on dealing with it...I just wanted you to know that it IS indeed a rough struggle and can zap our souls at times. Since I am currently under the care of many providers, I go into each appointment with a list of questions I want answered, and then take notes of things they tell me. This at least gives me a sense of agency over the very little that I can control at this time.

I try not to minimize whatever it is I am feeling. (My personality is such that I can be smiling and laughing and not clearly communicating how difficult things are. At the same time, I try to celebrate small victories and keep a sense of humor to help me cope.

Over time, I have finally been able to acquire a whole medical and psych team who I can be brutally honest with and we all have the common goal of doing whatever is possible to help me heal. But in complex cases, where one is dealing with past trauma, dissociation, any kind of mental illness struggle, it can be quite difficult to pin point what is what....as it is ALL connected. Body, mind, soul, spirit.

Become your own personal advocate. Practice asking questions during visits. Try finding things that help soothe or calm or energize you. And see if perhaps, perhaps....you might be able to invite a bit of self compassion. When the judgement monsters come in, let them, but then show them the door. I have gotten to a point where I can no longer wear my "everything's fine" masks. I practice just being as authentic as I can. If I feel like s**t, I let myself simply feel that way. If I feel decent, I try to celebrate the moment.

Keep sharing...you are not alone in this bee's nest of struggle.

FearLess47