Thanks guys, should have clarified the severity of my condition. I do know that the I experience is exactly what makes it so hard treat with medication. 17vyears ago I had a life altering experience. I can pin down the time because after the first one I could tell a few days in advance that they were coming and warn my wife of the coming storm. From 2003 till now I'd say I averaged about 3-4 periods a year in depressive state and can only remember 3 or so manic states the whole time probably every 2-3 years I'd get manic.

Again, I'm not looking to take on medications but while I'm unemployed I need to get as close to the right mix as possible because I'll lose the state aid when I go back to work.

The lithium was keeping level for about 8 months but I've been kind of mess for years last 5 months or so. And I just started the seroquel last night.

My mood isn't high or low. My mood is just sad, not a depressive state sad though I don't think. Its different. I'm just looking back on a lifetime in terms of if only. And there some great things but who cares I was miserable when I was happy too. And the future. I certainly don't have any lofty goals, or goals at all. I'll put it this way, a couple weeks ago I found out about the 11-20 years we lose in life expectancy. I hope it's 20 for me so I can check out in about 8 years. Couldn't come soon enough.