Thank you for sharing and sorry you are struggling Ennie.

I have some questions....

when you reach out to this person again (against your instinct) what are you hoping for? Try to be very specific...if you reach out, there is something for yourself you are seeking. That could be many things....a connection, feeling good for helping, avoiding the anxiety or guilt of not reaching out.

You certainly don't have to answer here but I think the key to your struggle could be on focusing on you rather than her....what is it that you feel right before, or during, the reaching out part. If you know what that is, that might be the beginning of letting go and freedom.

here are some very interesting ideas from a physician on saying no and the impact on health. It helped me to listen to him. I hope it helps you If you do watch, I hope you make it the whole way through....he starts out with problems but also mentions hope for feeling better.

The Need For Authenticity - Dr. Gabor Mate
YouTube

Perhaps like many of us, in the situation you outlined above you, you are wrestling with attachment versus authenticity?