Thanks Christina. I'm nowhere near attacking this from every angle. I start therapy on June 3rd. I rarely leave my condo because I can't stand the thought of leaving my condo. Since I'm not working (and I've had a good career up until a year ago when I got fired for the first time in my life} so my sleep patterns are horrid. And my diet is a joke too. But the one thing that is killing all of the hope of stabilization is my drinking. Despite all of the bad things it has caused me, at least I had a couple of hours in the day where I felt relaxed and comfortable. So, I'm gonna quit, I've done it before, but what will fill that space?

Until a couple of months ago I truly didn't understand what this was. And I have a plan now to address it from all angles. And I will. But I'm a different person than I was a year ago and I don't know why. I'm completely and utterly apathetic. I just don't care about anything anymore. Two years ago my wife left me and soon after I was fired from a job. Fast forward a year and I'm in a place that isn't quite as morose or evil as the depressive states I've known all too well. And it certainly isn't mania. I do have profound sadness though and I cry quite a bit. But mostly it's a numbness I haven't had. I was to trying to explain this to my ex-wife as she knows me better than anyone. I look back on the last 49 years and the various states of miserly. I am proud of some of the things I accomplished but i was miserable the whole time. I did have 2 episode free fun years and I'm thankful for it. But now I don't even care about trying to stabilize. I'm only going to do it because where I'm at now sucks and I do have to work, so I better get it together. But plans for recovery, or maintenance. A good career again. Maybe meet someone. Buy a house. Or anything else that I get back. I don't care, I just to have to put my son through college and I should only have 15 years left. My thought process is focused on just making it another brutally long 15 years.