Hi @SilverTrees! So good to hear from you. I think about you all the time after the previous threads where you have been so kind as to support me and pour fresh air into my lungs. I totally agree that since I have a hard time constantly being around others in these days and times, I need more space even from those closest to me. I drove halfway across the country by myself after leaving my intern in Cali early so I’ve proven that being more independent in my travels is a possibility

As for my father with his temper it hasn’t been that most recent incident but several where that have made me more uncomfortable on family trips. It’s all understandable because where I live is a wreck right now in the face of historically high population growth but in my minds eye I think his reactions are senseless and overly dramatic. He’s raised his voice on several occasions before at rude drivers and sometimes drives aggressively so my underlying fear of him getting behind the wheel has reached the point where I take over the driving when possible, especially in trips involving my own car. Even outside driving he can be ill tempered when things don’t go his way and he’s also easily stirred with computer work. On other trips both of my parents have been involved in making me uncomfortable. Like one time when I forgot to clean out my shoes after a hike so my mother proceeded to clean my shoes and then played mother of a 5 yo with me by forcing a thank you out of me even before I could muster the phrase out. On my most recent trip my mother also accused me of having a bad temper; it was just me experiencing a fight or flight response after
my dads angry moment, no big deal. I couldve handled the situation differently, because in my vulnerable moment when I was afraid to talk about that problem with my father I raised my voice for the first time in several years. My mother seems hypocritical, because I’ve seen her snap at my dad and she’s one of the most stoic people I know. Another trip when I unexpectedly dealt with a group project during a trip I was in a high pressure situation so of course I was uptight but then my parents wanted me to stuff any visible signs of being frustrated, even though these expressions were less extreme and frequent than my fathers. The trip where this incident happened was bad anyway because everyone was stressed from work and renovations to our house. This was also the case when my folks accompanied me to my intern to California and I was also not feeling like my usual self out of anxiety about the intern. These events led to my non involvement in a trip they invited me to last summer. All of this proves that people except for PC even in my closest sphere can’t be trusted, and are only out to deceive me that they will be good listeners, or supportive but end up teasing me and playing games anyway. Also proof I’m not deserving of any intimate relationships whatsoever; my life-hiccups will be exploited in the end.

Hope this isn’t too long for you!