I’m trying to figure out what to tell T tomorrow about the SH I’ve done this week. I mean I can tell her the specifics, which days I SH-ed, which days I didn’t, stuff like that. But I don’t really have a clue as to what prompted this relapse. I know it’s not rational, it’s emotional, but I can’t pinpoint the emotions behind the actions, and I know T is going to want to know why.
It’s like there is a break down point, when I’m trying so hard to not SH and expending lots of energy into that, where eventually I run out of energy, break down, give in, and SH. But is that a reason? Excuse? Both? I can’t pinpoint a specific “thing” that made me go back on my word, give in, and relapse. So, I’m really not sure what to tell T tomorrow. I’m perfectly okay telling her I messed up, I made a mistake, I SH-ed. But beyond that I have nothing. I know my emotions weren’t good this week. Lots of depression. And she’ll say, maybe your meds need to be adjusted, and I will tell her I just saw PDOC and things stayed the same on that front. Medications can only do so much. They put me in the range of being okay most of the time. But eventually SH sneaks up and I get into a cycle, much like I did this week, where there is several days of SH.
I know T might try to help me figure out what happened before the first SH incident. But nothing really happened. Of course, there was me putting myself down, saying negative things about myself because that’s what I do before I SH. But I draw a blank as to a specific thing that happened. It wasn’t like I got in a fight with my parents and went and SH-ed for example. There was just me, worn down, out of energy, out of acceptable coping mechanisms, and wanting to change how I felt.
Does this happen to anyone else? I’m still going to go to my T appointment even if I have no idea what I am going to say. I’m trying to collect my thoughts beforehand. Hence writing this post. Maybe someone out there in PC land understands? HUGS Kit