Hello The NightWhistle,

I am so sorry you are in such pain

I don't think you should throw yourself off a bridge for the following reasons:

- you are closer to peace and happiness than you realize...disillusionment is the first stage of a track toward a happier life
- the present does not have to equal the future (though if you jump off a bridge, there's a guarantee of no future)

The most important thing you said (imo) is right here:
"On one hand, I feel like a relationship would help me be happier and more confident, and on the other, I feel like I need to be happy and confident to get one. "

Other people cannot bring us inner peace and true happiness. Why not? Because they cannot delete our unhappy thoughts about our own self.

Reaching out for dates or an loving relationship while inwardly feeling miserable or of no value can lead to one of two outcomes:
1. we appear attractive to someone who responds to their own lack of self-esteem by belittling and abusing their intimate partner
or
2. we repeatedly feel "ghosted" because people with adequate self-esteem are not drawn to someone who is miserable and does not value his/herself

You don't want either outcome, right? So what do you do? Turn the lens of your focus away from the external and point it at yourself. This usually requires support such as with a therapist. That's how I have done it in the past and will be doing it again soon here.

The movies, songs, advertisements unfortunately sell us messages that are false. Other people cannot create happiness for us. We must create it for ourselves and then we can share that happiness with others. The other way around simply does not work and typically causes more misery along the way.

You sound very depressed. That of course is a significant barrier to self-esteem, inner peace, and true happiness. I recommend starting there....what would help to lift that depression? Connection need not be a romantic partner. You could develop a healthy rapport with a therapist as a starting point and the rest will follow.

This thinking
I actually am a snooze. I get decent grades in school, my job working with autistic kids is kind of crappy, my body is average, and I don't have any particular talent.

is a significant source of depression by itself. You are judging, diminishing, and negating everything about yourself. No wonder you feel terrible....any human will feel terrible when they belittle every aspect of themselves and their lives.

Pause. Breathe. Breathe again. Slowly and deeply. Try some guided meditations on youtube for depression and anxiety. Start searching for a therapist. When you feel stronger and a bit more confident, try volunteering for a cause you care about. Remember that Rome wasn't built in a day. Not for you and not for me. Slowly, slowly take good care of yourself. You do deserve happiness even when you don't think so