This is what individuals who struggle with ptsd experience. The desire when it comes to reaching out to therapists is to sit and talk about whatever was experienced and experience a presence that can listen, be a witness, assist in grieving what was lost and regaining some balance and trust in self to move forward. Also, if the trauma involves someone else that caused you harm, there is also a strong desire for justice.

You did the right thing by writing down the things you felt, how you struggled, what you felt you needed and defining how you were hurt. The biggest question when it comes to ptsd though is "why can't I just like I used to". And what I myself really hated to hear was, "just ignore, just get over it, just don't allow this or that to bother you, just move forward, just forget it, that was in the past focus on the now". And I am sure you can come up with even more.

For myself, one of the things I began avoiding was people I had known before the ptsd. I could not avoid that completely, but I did want to distance. The reason for that was because people I knew would expect me to be the "old me" and I could not be that old me. It's extremely hard to explain to people what that really feels like too.

For myself, my world was my farm and making it into something I saw it could be and all my ponies and horses represented a lot of time and training to have them all be a part of this world I created. When that was invaded, disrespected and so much was destroyed that respesented so many years of hard work. I collapsed with a post traumatic stress breakdown. I did not have broken bones in my body, but pretty much everything I had was broken and hurting. All the kings horses and all the kings men could not put humpty dumpty back together again.

When I broke down, I was exhausted because of how it was pretty much like running a hospital here on my farm, and too many sad endings. I ended up in a psych ward totally physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted begging for rest and grief counseling. Everything I said was all clear red flags for "trauma patient". Yet as you have mentioned, the professionals, psychiatrist, therapists, staff did not know how to recognize these red flags. Actually, without my even realizing it, the psychiatrist misdiagnosed me because in his opinion, what I lost should not have been that important or valueable to me. Truth is, I was locked up and pretty much abandoned and treated like I was such a bad person for breaking down the way I did. I was just a terrible imposition. "You better put your big girl panties on and SNAP OUT OF IT".

In all honesty, the one thing I did learn from this experience is how little others in my life realized the things that were important to me. My grief and deep loss was nothing more than and inconvenience for everyone I knew. And that did not change either, even therapists did not GET IT. Even therapists decided that it was not something they considered valueable or important then it was wrong of me to have valued all that I had lost. And what really gets me is that none of these people had any experience with doing and engaging what I had lost either. And the truth is, that is exactly how our war veterans feel when they come home all shattered physically and mentally from war and combat.

When I came home from the psych ward, and my husband picked me up, he was angry and it was very clear to me that he was extremely inconvenienced. On that drive home the negativity he filled that small pick up truck with told me how very alone I really was and that I had to find a way to shove all these deep challenges down inside of me and go right back to that farm of mine and JUST DEAL with all the brokenness.

The therapists I reached out to continued to write down that what I cared about should not have been considered to have the value I had placed in it. And trying to pick up the pieces of my broken world continues to challenge me in ways where I could not feel safe, not feel myself and I continued to suffer from these attacks where I was reliving the trauma over and over again. So, instead of recovering from the post traumatic stress breakdown, I progressed into developing the full pst DISORDER. I began suffering from suicidal "impulses" and this is not just about thinking, instead it's about wanting to end in strong impulses and there is a difference. Luckily for me, I ended up interacting with a Vet who explained to me how these strong impulses comes in waves and then subsides. I began to pay attention and realized he was right and then my days were about remember how these waves came about, had a peak and then subsided and every day I battled through them BY MYSELF. It's a terrible thing to KNOW first hand why we lose so many vets to suicide. It was not anything I ever imagined experiencing either. So when I say, I could not be me like everyone insisted and wanted of me, I am telling the truth. I am so incredibly sorry for anyone can identify with this because it's the lonliest thing EVER. You know, you have family and people around you and experience this incredible lonliness. The one thing that seemed to help was my desire to reach out and help others by helping not feel so alone. A part of me wanted to find a way through this so I could maybe help others do the same. However, that has always been a part of who I was as a person anyway, and that was actually a big part of the world I had created with my horses and ponies that no one understood. Truth is, I used this world to help others get what I did not get and needed as a child. It's interesting in that NOW this kind of world I created is being recognized as very helpful and therapudic. This thing I created that no one felt was valueable, had FINALLY been recognized in main stream humanity for actually having VALUE. They even have found it helpful in helping with the healing of veterans with ptsd. Ironically, one of the horses that suffered damage where he could not longer be ridden and appreciated as a show horse is now in a place that he is used for THERAPY and he even is used to HELP VETERANS who struggle with PTSD. So all the training and love that went into making this horse so affectionate and kind and good and wonderful with people, this horses love for people is at least being APPRECIATED AND VALUED.

In this world of humanity, it's true that people can be dismissive and cold even. It's unfortunate how other people can decide that what you value, what you feel to the depths of you has value has no value because it doesn't have value to them. And this can happen with individuals who even have a lot of letters after their name that is supposed to mean they SHOULD KNOW. I think that you are at a point where you are beginning to at least come to terms with trying to be a bit more understanding about this UNKNOWING that happens when it comes to other people you experience in your life. You are looking at the different ways people survive and thrive in different kinds of societies and with that always comes this "unknowing" part.