T today. She came and got me pretty much on time, maybe 5 minutes past. I was really nervous because I needed to tell her I had SH-ed and broken my promise to not SH until Pentecost and truly I didn't know how this conversation would go.

T asked me how I was as we walked from the waiting room to her office. I said I was alright. T said that didn't sound so good. It must be the way I said it. So she asked if I had cut and I said yes, on Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. She asked me how many days I had gone without SH and I said 98. I don't remember if she said anything about that. Then T asked me what I would have been feeling if I hadn't cut? I said stressed. She said what's underneath the stress?

So I said that there's a lot going on at work and life. We talked a lot about the stuff going on at work, which I'm not going to elaborate on here because I'm sure many of us get work stress. Let's just say it has to do with the possible acquisition. Plus there's the stress of my diabetic cat who as I type this is at the vet for some testing. And some financial stress.

T said I need to look at the long term and not just the short term. To look at becoming a CPA. That's something that I may pursue in the future but I'm not healthy enough emotionally to pursue it right now. But I didn't tell this to T.

We talked about the SH. T asked me if I had cut deep. I said I had a couple cuts that were deep. T asked if I went to the hospital to get them stitched. T asked me to explain the ritual of SH to her, which I did, but I don't want to trigger anyone here. She asked me if I ever meditated? I said yes, on scripture. She asked if I ever get massage? I said yes about three times a year. She asked if I could go more frequently? I didn't commit to that. I told her how I used to have chiropractic care but it's not covered by my insurance so I don't anymore. We talked about accupuncture. I've never tried it. Out of a possibly irrational fear that because I'm not sure if it would trigger the SH.

She told me I need something metaphysical to help me. Something bigger than myself. We talked about how I pray and some things about my faith. We talked about how I need a new ritual to replace SH. We talked about a runners high and how I've never experienced that. We talked about self care, like baths with candles, and nice lotions. And calming things like cuddling with my kitties, like I am with Amelia right now.

We talked about my relationship with my parents. We talked about how I'm self critical and that probably comes from my childhood. We talked about how I engage in negative self talk before SH. She asked me if I had heard of thought stopping. I asked her if that was a CBT thing. She said yes. I made a face. She said I know. And then explained what it was. Then we made a list of things that are positive that I could say about myself. I came up with two. She came up with a few more. One thing she said was that I'm very calm, that I have a calm demeaned which is nice for other people. I said people accuse me of not having emotions. She said oh no, you're hypersensitive you just don't show it on the outside. So we talked about that a bit. It made me feel better. Less like a robot that I can be accused of.

Someone was knocking on the waiting room door, so she got up and told them she was still meeting with her client and would be with them shortly. That's when I realized it was noon. Out hour was up. It went so fast. She still talked to me for a few minutes. Like what I would tell someone else if they were like me with the SH. And so I told her I would be compassionate and tell them no one deserves hurt. She was like do you hear yourself? I said yes. She said remind me when Pentecost is so I did. She said maybe I could not SH until then. I said I would try and that I would see her on June 7th. We exchanged pleasantries about having a nice long weekend (Memorial Day on Monday--we are both off). And I thanked her. Then I left.

There's probably some stuff I am forgetting about. It was a good session, I thought.

Comments okay. Hugs Kit