You are not alone. It is not your fault. You didn't choose this. I understand how hard it can be.

When I'm at my worst during mania, I get paranoid and impatient. Or I make a fool out of myself when I'm impulsive. It makes me feel like I'm a bad friend. During hypomania, I am most likely to attract friends, but maintaining friendships is hard. I get depressed and just want to isolate. In fact, I'll isolate for a very long time and stop keeping up with friends. A few people who understand will stick around to a point, but many friends have moved on. Past pain related to damaged relationships have led me to put up walls, and it's something I'm battling with now. There are old friends and ex's who I used to wish understood, but it makes no difference in the end. It is what it is. This makes me feel so empty and incapable of being who I want to be, if that makes sense