Hello SpeckofDust,

I have strong opinions on this topic. So before I share them, please know that I respect your autonomy and intelligence. You do not have to agree with me.

In my experience (I'm happy to share) and view, it is impossible to have a healthy friendship (or romance for that matter) with an individual who engages in one-upmanship. You are right. This is coming from her low to no self-esteem and underdeveloped sense of self. But that is not your responsibility. And its not your fault.

Friendship should feel good and safe. Anyone can have an off day, a little irritability or a misunderstanding, but a long-term pattern of one-upmanship is deeply problematic.

I recently ended a friendship of six years for this reason. We often had a good and fun time together but she developed (I don't think it was there in the beginning but perhaps I missed it) a habit of taking snide little shots at me in order to undermine me and prop herself up. This was particularly apparent when other women were present....some sort of jealousy or discomfort seemed to be triggered within her so she'd try to embarrass or one-up me in front of others. I ran the whole thing by a therapist in detail. I never want to be unkind or unreasonable to anyone in my life. My therapist helped me to understand that my former friend just did not have the capacity to be a true friend to me....she was constantly comparing herself to me and in her mind (not mine) she came up short so then she'd try to one-up me. I wish her peace, as I do for everyone, but I no longer contact her in any way. You know the most interesting part? I find that I don't really miss her and I was sure I would.

I would not tell you what to do. This is your choice. But I'd seriously consider whether your life is enriched by this person's presence or actually made worse or less peaceful by it. If you started dating someone and they repeatedly engaged in one-upmanship, would you continue to date them? Would you want them to stick around? Next!

I do not recommend discussing this with her. You already know how that's going to go. A black-and-white thinker with low to no self-esteem.....good luck! In order to self-monitor and adjust behavior as needed, a person needs a healthy sense of self and self-esteem. I am the only person in my family of origin who has ever said 'sorry' or 'i was wrong.' They are all black-and-white thinkers and constantly blaming everyone around them for their own problems.

Thank you for sharing. Peace, hope, and a bright future to you. You deserve unconditional regard from friends.