T Thursday. Intense session. Went back and sat down. Me: "So I know I sent you the email, and I appreciate your response. I don't feel like we need to spend much time talking about the reducing sessions thing. Because I understand you're not pushing me to do that." T: "I think this is another case where you may have misheard me. Or what I had intended to say didn't come out the way I meant it, either way." Me: "Well, no matter how you said it, I probably would have been triggered by it." T: "Yes, I was concerned how you'd react to it. I guess I should know that no matter how I preface it, it will still affect you." Me: "Yeah."

Me: "So I wanted to talk about the other stuff I mentioned in the email. Some of this ties into something you said Monday. Where you said that it seemed like now I'm looking for acceptance and understanding more from equals. And I agreed." T: "Yes, I think you are." Me: "But then right at the end of session--because I'm good at that--I mentioned ex-MC. And I didn't know how he tied into all that. So...I ended up pretty emotional Monday night." T: "I'm sorry." Me: "Yeah, I know I didn't really explain that in the email. But I was thinking how maybe I haven't really made the progress that you were saying. Yeah, I am looking for stuff from friends, but...I was still looking for that from ex-MC. And, uh, you, I guess." (I couldn't look at him as I said that last part.)

T: "What do you think is behind that?" Me: "I don't know...I'm clearly still looking for something. I do think I realized something the other night though." T: "What's that?" Me: "I think...it's not so much about how much older the man is than me...but more that they're around the age that my dad was when I was a teenager." T: "That's interesting. So how old for your dad?" I said late teens put him in late 40s. Me: "Which was around...both high school teachers ages. And the online guy was 40. And ex-MC was around that age when I started seeing him, maybe a little older. And I think you're around that age. Because when I first started seeing you, you said you're about 5 years younger than ex-MC. And I know he's 12 years older, because we asked him once, and at the time he said 50. So if you're 5 years younger than him...that makes you 7 years older than me." T: "That's some complicated math! When were you born?" Me: "1977. So you're...late 40s?" T: "You're not getting me to share my age." Me: "OK." (I do actually know his age, from past googling--including a fairly public thing--but I didn't tell him that.)

I said I assumed that meant it was about my dad. I said I felt weird at the time with the feelings for the journalism teacher because he had a mustache like my dad did. That when I was younger, my dad had a mustache/goatee combo. T: "I thought that was a 90s thing." Me: "Well, this was bushier. Late 70s/early 80s. A guy I dated saw a pic and said he looked like Welcome Back, Kotter." Which led to brief discussion of that show (I've never seen it) and T quoting something from it. (Incidentally, my T has a full beard, though he shapes it rather oddly.) Me: "And I guess ex-MC and my dad both have dark hair and eyes..." T: "So do a lot of people." Me: "True, like me...I guess you have dark hair and light eyes. And I've dated a lot of redheads, too." (My H is one.)

T: "It doesn't necessarily have to be about your dad." Me: "Freud would say it had to be." T: "True! But it could just be... partly about the person you first had strong romantic feelings for, like an early crush. You mentioned that one middle school teacher." Me: "Hm, true...he was around 40." T: "So it could be you're drawn to people who fit that. That it imprinted in your brain. Not like a fetish so much, but just who you're naturally drawn to." Me: "Hm, that makes sense." T said it would be interesting now that I'm close to the age of the guys I'm drawn to paternally--would it still happen when I'm 60? I said that was a good question.

Me: "So, I feel like I need to talk about the sort of fantasies that are tied into this. Because I think there's something therapeutically relevant there. But...the ones that involve you...I want to make it clear that it's not about YOU specifically, but about what you represent to me." T: "OK." Me: "With the older males authority figures I'm drawn to...it's like this part of me wanted, say, ex-MC or ex-teacher or...I guess you...to be in love with me. Or unable to resist me sexually." T: "Or just to love you?" Me: "Yes." T: "It seems like it all comes down to a desire to just feel wanted." Me: "Yeah...that really seems like what it is. Like whatever the reason, if sexually or romantically or something else...Yeah...to be wanted."

Me: "I guess there's another sort of fantasy thing regarding you I want to share because I think it has a lot of meaning. But I'm sort of afraid to. It's not sexual." T: "OK." Me: "Uh...so the other day shortly before session I was having this pain in my lower right side." T: "Front or back?" Me: "Front. So my mind went to appendicitis---it ended up being pulled muscle or something. But I was thinking...um..." T: "You seem really nervous about sharing this." Me: "I am. I just don't want it to weird you out. Uh...so...I guess I was thinking that if I came into session and, say, collapsed, like I was sick...that I just had this image of you carrying me to the hospital" (It's a block away.) T: "Like throwing you over my shoulder?" Me: "Yeah...or just driving me." T: "Dragging you by your ankle?" Me: "Maybe not so much that..." T: "I'd call 911." Me: "I know, this is just...I mean...obviously it's some sort of rescue fantasy." T: "You want to be taken care of." Me: "Yeah. Like a kid or something. I hope that wasn't too weird"

T (in a particularly gentle voice): "We can't help what we think or fantasize about. We have no control over that. Only what we do with it." Me: "I just keep thinking how you'd talked about that client who came onto you in session, how that was an issue for you. But that wasn't just her sharing her thoughts I guess." T: "No, she had a specific goal that she was going for there with me." Me: "And I wouldn't do that." T: "I know."

T looked at the clock. T: "We have about 5-10 minutes left. I want to make sure you're OK when you leave. But I'm not sure how to do that." Me: "I'm not sure either." We proceeded to talk for another 15 minutes.

I said how I thought I tried to meet certain needs through dating, but couldn't. T said that made sense, because I was looking for what an infant wants from their parents. T said he had an analogy he often used, but to bear in mind he often works with kids and teens. Me: "OK." T: "So think of one of the boards you build Lego structures on." Me: "OK." T: "Ideally, when you're young, you form a solid foundation on it." Me: "So like lots of the little bumps to build on?" T: "Yes." Me: "So maybe mine, like it has fewer bumps that most people's?" T: "That could be. But as you make connections early in life, you build a solid foundation of blocks on the board, a town. Where with you, with anxious attachment, it's like you don't have that solid foundation. Connections you make now, the buildings feel really unstable, like they could topple over at any minute." Me: "Yeah...that's a good comparison."

T: "And with ex-MC...it was like just a bunch of little shacks there, and he was building a church, so it was a really major structure." Me: "Yeah...hm..." T said that ideally, we hold past connections and attachments with us. T: "Even if someone dies, if we had a connection to them, that's still there as part of the foundation." Me: "While I have trouble with that." T: "Yes." He talked for another few minutes on the topic, even though we were basically at time. Confirmed next week's schedule.

Went over to pay. Me: "So I think I generally feel OK about what we talked about." T: "Good." Me: "But can I just confirm that you're not weirded or creeped out from what I said?" T: "I don't feel right now that anything you said creeped me out." Me: "OK, good." T: "Remember you can always contact me." Me: "But it's a holiday weekend, I wouldn't want to bother you." T: "I'm working Sunday, so it's not a big deal at all. You know my policy." Me: "OK, thanks." Shook hands as he said, "Have a good weekend." Me: "You too."