I wasn't sure where to post this so sorry if it's in the wrong place. A few weeks ago I was clumsy and scraped my left hand when getting out of the boat (I'm on a dragon boat team). It left these really ugly white/pink scars on my left hand. I've been boating for 7 years and have never done something this stupid. I think they will be permanent. For some reason it has broken me and I just feel damaged, useless, worthless, lesser of a person. Scars never bothered me before but I feel like I just have too many flaws now and the universe is trying hard to make me unattractive. The scars on my hand are very visible and looks like a disease.
The timing for this is really bad because I had just started to feel good about myself and my body. I have been working out, eating healthily, and was seeing a life coach who encouraged me to start dating. I'm 36 years old, female (black) and have been single most of my life. I'm super worried because I plan to date interracially, and I feel like I'll be dating on the hard level. I'm worried that I just can't compete with other women in terms of looks, and this new ugly scar on my hand is going to ruin my chances. Why would a guy want me when there are plenty of other women out there who are attractive, with nice personalities and don't have scars, blemishes, etc? I'm thinking maybe I should quit dragon boating since I'm likely to hit myself again and get yet another scar.
Whenever I type, play the piano, write, draw, paint, etc, all I see are the ugly scars on my left hand I feel terrible. I just feel like I'm doomed and no man will want to date me after seeing my hand scar which is very visible. I'm not attractive enough to make up for it. Black women are judged more harshly for their imperfections. I don't have the smooth, perfect even skin that other black celebrity women have.
I don't mind scars on other people and I don't judge people by their looks. I understand that looks are superficial. I would have no problem dating a guy with scars. But unfortunately, the reverse isn't true. Men WILL mind the scars on me and they WILL judge me negatively on my looks, and they WON'T want to date me. Men are visual. And also since I want to date outside of my race, I feel this need to be perfect in terms of looks so white guys will consider giving me a chance (because let's face it, I'm never going to be able to compete with a white woman in terms of looks).
I feel stuck and don't know how to get out of this funk. Here's the laundry list of all the things wrong with me:
- Black
- Glasses
- Hearing aids
- Scoliosis (it's very noticeable if i wear tight-fitting clothes or if I were to take my clothes off. My rib cage is rotated 30ish degrees)
- Small black freckle/scar on the bottom left corner of my lip
- Small white discoloration on top right corner of my lip
- Acne scars on face
- Acne scars on back
- Slight white discoloration on left cheeks
- Social anxiety
- Still a virgin (and I'm 36)
- Sometimes still stutter when I'm nervous
- Small dark scar near bottom of right hand (visible)
- Scar on my foot right foot from rubbing it, because I have mild arthritis in that foot
- NEW white/pink scar on my left hand, very visible and looks like a disease
^ I had actually accepted ALL of that, but now I have this NEW stupid scar on my left hand (so add that to the list). It's four areas on my hand where the skin is a pinkish color with an ugly dark brown ring around the pink areas. Thanks to this new scar, I now feel like a permanent ugly duckling. I can't do any of my hobbies now that involve my hands because all I see is the scar. It's like in order to be attractive and perfect I need to just do nothing and/or quit dragon boating so that I don't give myself another scar (other people do not seem to have this problem). And it makes me feel ashamed to be alive. Even my previously affectionate cat is not as affectionate anymore, it's like she can sense I'm now a lesser person and broken.
MY QUESTION: Should I just not even attempt to try dating, based on this long list of flaws? How do I feel good about myself again?