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Originally Posted by autumn4689
I’m an alcoholic. I have been for a very longtime. It’s gotten worse since my brothers suicide and now I have suicidal thoughts, especially when I drink too much. I attempted twice in my teens. I’m in my mid 30’s now and have had a couple scares. Deep down I know drinking is bad. I’m constantly justifying it. I’m a functioning alcoholic. I work 8-5 every day and rarely get behind the wheel after drinking. Mostly because I lost my license after a second dwi in one year. I am also a recovering meth addict. Sometimes after I buy my bottle of vodka -it just happened today- it’s like I can’t get home fast enough to pour myself a drink. I don’t even feel the affects anymore until I’m 3-4 drinks in. I shake when I don’t have it for so long. I’ve even had friends sneak me in alcohol when I was working a serving second job at nights. I know this is bad for me. I know I need to stop but why do I keep doing it? My boyfriend is the most understanding person but I keep hurting him over and over. You can’t help someone until they want to help themselves and I keep making excuses. Im not religious. I don’t have the will to go to meetings so how do I say enough is enough? And just stop doing this to myself and everyone around me?
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Hi autumn4689. So sorry you are struggling with drinking.
Of course you want to stop; everyone does. If it were as simple as just stopping there'd be nobody struggling with alcohol, right? It's not your fault. it's not like one day you just decided "alcoholism seems like a fun path in life," right?
Your instinct about AA is sound. It has a notoriously low success rate. And if participants don't have a particular belief system, it's a non-starter.
What to do? The real issue is why you drink. You mentioned exacerbation associated with your brother's suicide. This is a very common reason for addiction: emotional trauma and pain. It sounds like you are essentially self-medicating. The alcohol numbs your emotional pain a while...does that sound like what's happening with you? Unfortunately, the pain returns the next day and so you continue to drink.
Do you live in the U.S? Despite so much talk, the U.S. is very far behind in understanding and supporting healing from alcoholism. There's still a blame and shame campaign going on with a lot of people struggling with alcoholism being treated like 2nd class citizens. I believe Portugal is a shining light. Take at look at their research and approach. I would recommend searching for a therapist to talk to (wherever you live) who values Portugal's research and approach. Someone willing to listen to your pain and fears, without judgment, in order to help guide you back to a more peaceful path.
Here's some wonderful insight to get you started....
Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong/Johann Hari
YouTube
Maybe you can think about it in two ways:
- finding ways to heal from the underlying pain which causes you to drink
- medical support to prevent dangerous rapid withdrawal from alcohol (this is biologically as dangerous as withdrawing from heroin without professional support)
No judgment here at all. You have a human problem and need some support. I don't view that as any different from someone struggling with depression, anxiety, grief, or any other human problem.
It is also important for you to know that people can and do recover from alcoholism. AA tells people they are addicts forever because their brains are broken. Not true. Each person is unique. Some people stop drinking and never go back to it. There is hope. Telling people they are broken is not hopeful; it actually increases the likelihood of lifelong alcohol problems or drug use because people are taught to believe that they cannot heal.
Also, I am very sorry for your loss. Universal speed to your brother.
Peace, hope, and a bright future to you
You deserve it just as much as all of the other humans whether they drink or take drugs or not.