Heads up, it's gonna be a long one.

I wasn't sure whether I should post this under school, coping with emotion or relationships. I suppose it is a mixture, and I do need someone to talk to on how to cope.

Since last year I graduated from my degree, times have been very tough. I live with my family, and they paid for my degree. I worked hard and I graduated with first class honours. After graduating I became confused on what to do actually, and my current country in a messy state. Jobs are difficult to find, I couldn't land a job, and I was really doing serious self-reflecting on what I wanted to do. I was just keeping my options open but at the same time I decided to really chase my dreams. I decided to apply for a Master's degree because I really wanted to delve and specialize in Neuroscience and Psychiatry, I was quite passionate about mental health. That was my biggest mistake, to try and apply.

I managed to get into Oxford, and I hoped to God I could get a scholarship for the first few months after getting an offer, because I knew my family couldn't afford it. Then things got really ugly. Over the course of these next few months, my brother saw my IG stories about my offer and he started screaming at me, calling me spoiled for always getting my way and for my family to pay for my degree, and I started crying and he screamed more at me. Then from then on, he started giving me the silent treatment, for months. I was angry at how he treated me, but I could not do anything. My older sister initially comforted me about it, and then after a while decided that I didn't ''know the consequences of my actions by applying for a Masters''. She started getting angry at me and when I talked back at her and she said things like I have attitude and didn't respect my elders.

I mean, I did tell them I was going to apply and just hoped for a scholarship, and they didn't stop me.... i guess reality hit hard and they all decided to hate me. I understand they were put in difficult financial situation because of me, but couldn't they just nicely tell me they can't afford it?

I wanted to start a fundraising campaign and ask for sponsors. I told my mom and she told my older sister. Then my older sister screamed at both of us because it was an émbarassing thing to do' and we were taking money from the poor, and underprivileged who actually needed the money. My mom started arguing with her, and then started screaming at me about how entitled and how useless I was for not landing a job and when I cried she made fun of me and asked loudly why am I so sensitive about everything. i told her I have been wanting to take my life and she laughed loudly and screamed more about why couldn't I be like my friends (who studied business ) and be accountants. Every time I locked my door and cried, she would knock loudly and ask rudely why do you always lock the door what is wrong with you. So now I have the habit of turning up music and crying so she wouldn't hear me. She also said my brother was right to treat me as if he didn't care if I died.

Now the plan is to take a loan (with severe consequences, we would have to sell off some important things), and I have to be grateful no matter how they treat me. I didn't agree with the loan idea, but they seem determined, perhaps they feel guilty for yelling at me. The thing is, I'm tired of this push and pull. One minute they're screaming at me and the next they're trying to help me and the next it happens again. I just don't want to feel anymore.

I'm here asking for advice, on how to ignore everything? I have been crying non-stop. I know I sound entitled and spoiled, and I brought the above on myself, and that I am the problem and my family deserves a better daughter, but I just needed someone to listen to me, and not judge.

I have been thinking of revenge suicide a lot, but I will never do it because of my friends and my boyfriend.

Thank you for reading if you did. Thank you very much.