Quote:
Originally Posted by golden_eve
IRL, I have two of my oldest college girlfriends who are both domineering personality types, one is very controlling of others, and the other one is just plain domineering.
They both kind of talk down to me, as though I am too naive about the world and how it works, and as though I don't know how to handle any of life's problems.
However, I have always worked out my biggest life problems. I have always landed on my feet through troubled times. I have always navigated my way through life on my own, as well as through the help of professionals, my family and closest friends.
The last phone conversation I had with the one who is very domineering, she kept saying to me, "do you understand? Do you understand?" As though I am a child who may not understand and who has NO comprehension. It was very demeaning to me, and I wish I had confronted her on it at the time.
She jumped in with very unsolicited advice and coaching about a work issue I was having. I didn't even ask for advice, yet she assumed that she must "educate" me on the work world, how it works, and how to navigate it.
I've been working full-time most of my adult life, and I am 48 years old! That means I've been working for the last 25 years! I have been around the block for a long time now. I certainly can handle myself professionally and navigate the work environment.
The next time I speak with either one of these women, I want to confront the issue with them.... and let them know that in fact, I CAN HANDLE IT, whatever it is that I am facing.
Most importantly, I don't need either one of them coaching me and/or telling me what to do, which is what they both LOVE to do with me. It is very irksome.
Anyone have any advice on the best way to approach this with them? Without getting defensive and angry?
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Oh, I know how you feel; I find this behavior so annoying. I hate unsolicited advice. Most of the time, if I'm talking to a friend about how I feel, it's about how I feel about something and needing my feelings acknowledged and not asking for advice. I've learned to start conversations by saying "I don't need advice, fyi, I just need you to tell me if I'm like being totally unreasonable in how I feel about this." or something of that sort to clarify to them what I need from them. This often helps. If they start to give advice, I usually politely interrupt and say I appreciate you are trying to help but that's not what I need right now, and clarify again what I'm looking for.
I think your idea to basically set the boundary next time it happens is a good idea. I would just be tactful and polite about, as these are friends.
The other thing for me that happens is like when I'm having a panic attack or flashback or some other symptom, whether it's physical or psychological, and someone will basically start to interrogate me about what I've done or not done. For example, have you called your doctor, did you take your meds, you should try this, have you tried that, what about XYZ? With my history of medical abuse, even though they may be trying to help, it just makes me feel like I"m being called a faker. I've been able, lately, to get enough control/calm over myself to say, "I'm trying to deal with myself right now, I can't answer these questions, what I need is just some acknowledgment that I feel bad." Or, if I am getting more upset in addition to whatever symptoms, I just excuse myself from the conversation as "too unwell" to engage in it right now.
I think what's hard is trying to maintain compassion that the person is trying to help in the way that they know how. They don't recall/realize/know that they're talking to an abuse victim or someone with PTSD and that their tactics are actually harmful versus helpful. It's totally frustrating, and sometimes I just want to lose patience and scream at them, but if they are a good friend, someone who is worth keeping around and talking to about problems at all, then they'll want to know how they can help.
I have one close friend where we have been sorting out how to best help each other of the last year because we realize we need different things so our natural reactions are different. It's been an illuminating process.
I also think, if these two girlfriends can't respect this boundary with you, then maybe they are moved to the acquaintance category and you don't share certain stuff with them.
The other thing is that it's okay sometimes, depending on the person/conversation, to just bluntly say, "I'm just talking about how I feel, I don't need advice. Thanks." And leave it at that. I mean, you don't have to tiptoe. Sometimes people just rudely assume you need all sorts of advice. Example, I once twisted my knee unclipping from my bike. I was on an endurance race, and I mentioned it on my Twitter account. This acquaintance I know started sending me email after email about how my form was incorrect and that's why my knee was hurting (that was incorrect and had nothing to do with how I twisted my knee) and then got angrier and angrier when I said "thanks but no thanks" to his offers for coaching me. I hadn't asked for his help. I had just posted a status update. This was blatant unsolicited advice. It sounds like with your GFs that they may think you are asking for advice, since you are talking about work gripes. So you could start by clarifying at the beginning of your conversation that you're just talking, don't need advice, but this is just what's going on. I think the key too is, do they even bother to ask you what you want to do about it first before laying their "suggestions" on you?
So, that's just some ideas, but I think it's perfectly fine for you to lay down these boundaries. My only real suggestion is to try to be gentle while you're doing it to preserve the relationships. In their mind they are just trying to help. They just don't realize how it comes off to you.
Seesaw