((saidso)), I have read a few of your threads and have found a lot of familiarity in and can identify with things you have shared.
It's not all you that is having a hard time with what I wrote. I was long winded and should have not made those long paragraphs. Also, I can see I left out words which contribute to making it harder to read. I also did not have time to review what I wrote as I got interupted a few times while writing it and then was rushed to submit it without getting to recheck what I wrote.
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I decided for myself on relationships because reading these old diaries has been about realising how terrible my situation was then - and how I can take the knowledge of this into building better relationships for the rest of my life. My relationships are terribly bruised. I need to learn better how to engage with people who are reflective and trustworthy enough to take in life experiences very different from their own, and to offer their own life experience in return!!!
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Well, I guess I gave you that in my post.
But what really got me to share what I did was this:
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I wrote a lot in my diaries about therapists, and longings for healing and connection. At the same time I kept fighting to achieve my life goals.
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I have felt this SO MUCH and I just could not seem to find it. Yes, and all the while fighting to achieve my life goals. I don't live in your country or culture, but I know this feeling very well. I think this is very "human". I also know what it feels like to be so overwhelmed you just drop too. That is what I did that landed me in a psych ward that only traumatized me even more and no one really "got" what I was so upset about. I worked damn hard for what I had and when it was destroyed, it ended up breaking me.
When I finally found a therapist that understood trauma and had the ability to listen, after he listened to my history he looked at me in amazement and said, "Wow, you were SO resiliant, how did you do all that?".
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Despair. There are real life situations which induce despair and overwhelm.
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YES! And I desperately needed a presence that I could connect with that could "get the depth of my personal despair". It's very hard to get another person to understand and RESPECT what is significant to you when it's not something that is significant to them. I know what it's like to walk away after sitting across from a therapist and not feeling helped at all and sometimes feeling worse than I did before I even sat down with them.