Hi all,

I was physically abused by my father as a kid, he locked me in the dark in my basement, left bruises on my body. He would throw me around and pin me down. He was also very emotionally/verbally abusive, calling me a psycho, manipulator and telling me it was my fault whenever he would abuse me despite being a 7 year old who simply spilled a glass of water.

I've 'healed' and 'forgiven him' to an extent but... Yesterday I found out that he sexually and physically abused his sister. I've never felt this way before, I'm constantly shaking, crying, my mind is blank but when it's not I can't stop thinking about what he might have done to her. I am disgusted that I am the product of him. I can't stop crying, I can't get up from my sofa.

I just want to reach out - to speak to somebody who may have been through something similar. My dad has healed a lot over the years, this was all a very long time ago 10 years ago for me and 40 for my aunt. My dad is on meds now and he's completely non-violent and no longer aggressive though he's still manipulative and difficult to be around. We suspect he has borderline personality disorder or aspergers.

Who do I tell? Do I tell my brother that my dad is a sexual abuser? Do I tell my mom that I know what he did to my aunt? My mom knows about everything but she's a victim and she can't leave the marriage in fear. Do I acknowledge that he's healing and act as though I know nothing to protect my mom? What if I tell my whole family about what he's done to me (they all know about what he did to my aunt), will he hurt someone or kill himself? Should I tell them anyway?

I know I need more help than this forum and I have a meeting on Tuesday but I need help to tide me over until then. I'm horrified, traumatized and so disgusted I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of puking. I've considered suicide but I couldn't do that to my mom after everything he put her through.

Thank you