Lrad, a lot of your post resonates extremely strongly for me. Right down to remembering exactly what my therapist's voice sounded like the time two years ago that I described a childhood experience as "maybe a little neglectful" and he chimed in with "That's neglect! That's the definition of neglect." For the record, he was completely right. And the way he said it--and the fact that it was highly uncharacteristic of him to label an experience of mine or be that vehement and explicit in how he made the point--really stuck with me. Over time, thinking back to how strongly he said that has been something of a touchstone for me when I've doubted that conclusion or felt like that label was unfair to my parents.

All of that is to say that while of course I can't speak to what any of your experiences were like, or what any if it means to you now, I know what it's like to be grappling with something similar. In my case, I thought I'd already processed those experiences and relationships sufficiently and had made peace with them. I didn't think there was much point in rehashing old stuff all over again, and resented the way talking about it seemed pointless and cliche. I was very, very wrong. Looking more closely at my childhood, how I feel about it, and how those experiences and feelings impact me today has been extremely helpful, and has unlocked some very surprising realizations about my patterns then and now. It's not about blame--it's about figuring out where I come from.

And in my case, trying to simplify it into an issue of blame was (and honestly, still is) a way that I tried to avoid looking at it more closely and tried to keep my distance from some really difficult feelings. I still reflexively cut myself off sometimes while I'm talking about childhood events, and start saying something like "but nevermind, what's the point in rehashing ancient history" or "oh, look at me sitting in my therapist's office blaming my mother, how original." I've finally come to realize, at least sometimes, that those arguments are rooted in guilt and shame and the ways I learned to take care of myself when I was younger, and while they still crop up with great regularity, I also know that they don't serve me well now.

So you don't have to let it be about blame in order to explore that part of your life and your feelings about it. You also don't have to explore it at all or have any feelings about it! But if it keeps coming up, it seems worth wondering how it impacts you, and over time maybe you'll notice some things that can lead you in a useful direction. You don't have to agree with your therapist's assessment of things--maybe he's right, maybe he's not. But if what he's said has stuck with you, it seems worth considering talking about it some more, and thinking about what it might be like if you were to start seeing it from that perspective, without dismissing whatever comes up.