I've been shredding very old diaries from the time way back when I collapsed from PTSD and had some limited form of therapy. It has shocked me to realise subjectively how bad things were for me, but also objectively how terrible my struggle was then. That time was before internet forums. I literally collapsed in the middle of crossing a major road after a counsellor refused to help me. Blacked out. Came back to consciousness in a hospital ward hours after being mis-treated while unconscious for a variety of broken bones.

I wrote a lot in my diaries about therapists, and longings for healing and connection. At the same time I kept fighting to achieve my life goals.

Looking back it all seems so impossible - both for me and for the two individuals who tried within limits to help. There are some horrible life situations. At that time I couldn't be treated by the health service because I wasn't mentally ill. PTSD was only just beginning to be recognised as a problem by people dealing with Vietnam war veterans.

I didn't know whether to post this in Psychotherapy - because it reminds me that therapy is limited by social context, or in PTSD - but my life is no longer about the PTSD triggers, or in General Chat. I decided for myself on relationships because reading these old diaries has been about realising how terrible my situation was then - and how I can take the knowledge of this into building better relationships for the rest of my life. My relationships are terribly bruised. I need to learn better how to engage with people who are reflective and trustworthy enough to take in life experiences very different from their own, and to offer their own life experience in return!!!

Big sigh. I've been so busy all my life surviving. It has been a shock to see how badly I was struggling despite holding down a job so that I could have a roof and food to eat.