I know that I haven’t had as bad a life as some people have - never been in a violent situation, so I probably don’t have PTSD. And I’m pretty sure a lot of my trouble is that I’m just too sensitive.

But lately, I’m really having an emotional crisis.

About four or five years ago, my long-term live-in boyfriend and I started having problems, which he attributed to his health issues and depression. He tried everything he could to convince me that he still loved me, but the scared little kid in me was sure he was going to dump me. So I moved out. We never did really totally break up or let go of each other, though. After I had been living apart for about four years, we agreed to move back in together and try again. (That’s the short version.)

Back in January of this year, I was fired from my job - and at the age of 55, that’s terrifying. Thank god I have family and friends who were there for me. But during the time of February and March, I developed horrible anxiety, complete with panic attacks.

To back up in time a bit - my mother died of cancer about 18 months ago. This is the sequence of events: 1) trouble in relationship; 2) mother’s illness and death; and 3) fired from job.

So, I moved back in with L, my bf, two months ago. And almost one month ago, I started a new job. The new job is going well so far.

But I still have anxiety and occasional panic attacks. I tend to project that anxiety into the relationship with L. I’m worried all the time that he doesn’t love me as much as I love him, and that my leaving totally ruined the relationship. (When I’m feeling saner, I remind myself that he DID agree to us trying again. And things between us have been going relatively well. I can’t expect the relationship to get repaired quickly and easily.)

I’m also having a lot of thoughts about my childhood and younger years. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life and I’ve really screwed up my life. I go on Facebook and see people I knew in high school and college, and they’ve achieved all the things I wanted - 30 year marriages, 30 year careers, kids almost grown up - and I feel like a failure in comparison. I had one six-year marriage that ended in divorce, and now I’ve been with L for 17 years, but we never got legally married and never had kids and we went through that time apart. And my career has had its ups and downs. So, I feel like a big F-up compared to everybody else. (And when I’m feeling saner, I tell myself, at least I’ve never been in jail and I’ve never been in rehab.)

But there are days when I feel terrible, and I remember my earlier years when I had good opportunities that I didn’t take advantage of, because I’ve always been sort of screwed up in the head. And I cry sometimes missing my mother, and just the way life used to be. I remember some of the worst times in my life (fifth grade, seventh grade) and now those seem like the good old days. My mom was still there, and I was still a kid and there were good things ahead in my life.

Now I’m feeling a lot of screw-ups and missed opportunities and losses. I miss my mom, and I dread the thought that my dad and my aunt and uncle are going to die someday, too. Mostly, I feel bad wondering if there are any good times left ahead for me - or if I’m going to have to feel terrible for the whole rest of my life.