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eskielover · May 27, 2019, 11:06 AM

@Saidso thank you for flagging me....I had missed reading your post here.

I wish I had diaries to go back to (though I doubt they would have the information I would like to know).

My past was not horribly traumatic or abusive. I just grew up with parents who were so dysfunctional. I didn't learn how to connect to others because I never experienced it. Everything was at surface level. No one wanted to connect to my patents & my mom had every excuse in the book for why that was except for the REAL reason. I sensed the real reason which was probably the same reason I was embarrassed fir anyone to know they were my parents. This is the part I would love to go back I find out how this thinking in me started at such a young age when I led such a sheltered life away from many more normal people.

Life didn't catch up with me until I was 42. Had a breakdown which ended my computer engineering career (along with the economy). That was when insurance FORCED me to go to therapy. I remember my mom saying something like "why?....we never abused you....we were good parents" Basically that was true & what I didn't get until a few years ago (in my 60's) that they REALLY were dysfunctional & that it did have an effect on me.

Until my mom died in 2005 & I finally left my bad marriage after 33 years I didn't realize just how much EVERYTHING in my life had been a battle (sometimes even a war) to make sure I was able to do what I wanted with my own life. I think that feeling the need to fight everything really held me back from connecting with others also (even ones I didn't need to fight against). I actually never realized how much I had been fighting against everything until I no longer had to (that in itself is an interesting realization that hit me in my late 50's)

The therapy I had from 1994-2010 was a waste though the first T I had where I moved to in 2007 did point out how he thought that my life had been filled with small traumatic events along the way not just the final straw with the homecare person I caught abusing my mom when she was dying which also involved me in the trauma.

Talk therapy was pointless because it just focused on what a mess I was without providing knowledge or skills to do anything about it. (I lost track of the number of times I was in psych hospitals....mostly for suicide attempts). I knew there needed to be help available I just didn't know what or where.

While in search of a good T in my new home state I talked to people I knew & got some ideas. One I went to said at the first meeting..what you are dealing with is way beyond my knowledge or capability when I brought up the depersonalization & trauma issues. I am so GLAD she was honest. I actually brought up the need for theraoy at the church I was going to at the time. This lady said there was this wonderful T at the local community care center. I called their main phone number & was assigned to a psycholigist. That was my first step toward healing though I had no clue that it was at the time. She got me started in an awesome DBT group with the psychologist I admire & respect while she worked on the things DBT brought up in private sessions. Our last session before she retired she said when I first came to her she thought my walls would NEVER be able to be broken down. They not only were broken down but shattered while I learned new skills & reinforced ones I already had.

Therapy is NOT a "curall". Good therapy is a teaching environment that helps us understand ourselves better, teaches us skills we have to learn & develop on our own (continual reinforcement helps even after we learn & practice them really helps when problem situations hit). The best thing with my therapy was that in learning skills it opened my thinking as to why did I end up reacting the way I used to. My current T said that once skills are learned that integration of the past & the "whys" are the last step. That was something we processed as thoughts came up. I know so many people with so many different issues that go to her & she is able to help. There may be some that don't seem to be helped by her but I wonder what might be behind that. She is actually originally from Italy & still has her Italian accent. She has an amazing mind & an amazing ability to narrow in on what help is needed...she has had her share or trauma in her own life to deal with.

Quote:

And situational despair requires that we act in some small way to change our situation, however impossible that seems relative to our meagre personal resources.

This is SO TRUE & sometimes it takes making some really tough decisions we don't want to make to make the change happen. Also EXPECTING that everyone has to understand our despair is an unreasonable expectation.....but we need to be strong enough for that NOT to invalidate what we know to be true. No one got the trauma I was actually going through with the home care person with my mom. Everyone told me stuff like that doesn't happen to people like your mom. I knew & it didn't matter what anyone said....I knew what was happening even if I didn't know what the "why" might have been behind it.

Ok.....all this in one post = OVERLOAD I'm sure. Need to go get ready to go to my friend's house for a BBQ in a couple of hours.

Ah just an aside. I specifically remember the time at my new farm when I was laying on my bed next to my dog Leo & Tawny & Leo was snuggling with me. I remember this amazing feeling come over me & realized for the FIRST time in my life that was what LOVE & CONNECTION felt like. As I met more people in my new community & really got to know them....I realized that same feeling would come over me. Then I would feel fear & put that feeling away. Now I feel safe with these people I have learned that the feeling is not only OK.....but it is what we can feel when we REALLY are able to connect with others. For me I can always connect at a surface level but I guard my deeper connections with those I have really come to know & trust. That level of friendship connection is reserved....but now I understand the difference & it is OK & actually normal.

The 2nd half (or there abouts) makes up for the first half of my life & it has been about making a new life for myself with the help of others for sure. I took the first leap alone but having supportive people around & being supportive is key in the long run