Thanks for sharing this. In my life, I have been both the victim as well as the perpetrator, the abuser as well as the abused. I don't have much memory of my life prior to the age of 8, only a handful of snippets. Plus, now as I'm aging, I'm gradually losing more-&-more of what I remember after age 8. (There is a sense in which that's not a bad thing.)

I have sometimes wondered if it wouldn't be easier just to be a victim. At least that way you'd know it wasn't your fault. And there'd be someone else you could blame. In my case, the abuse I suffered (which wasn't all that terribly serious in the whole scheme of things... others have suffered significantly worse) has been overwhelmed by what I later on meted out. Like you, I would give anything to be able to go back & change it. But, of course, I can't.

I used to have an on-line friend (my only friend of any sort in the world... until I dumped him a while back.) He was a Christian. (I'm a devout atheist.) He knew something of my history. And he used to tell me that to forgive oneself was possible. I, for my part however, maintained (& still maintain) that some things are sufficiently egregious self-forgiveness is not appropriate. Rather... what I have strived for is simple acceptance. I did what I did. It's in the past. And there's nothing I can do about it now. End of story.