Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyCrafter
My family bullied me so much I not only ended up clinically depressed and burdened with Complex PTSD, I became learning impaired and have traumatic amnesia. I have written what I remember from my childhood and it didn't even take 3 pages. The rest is locked up in my memory that I may never retrieve.
My family taught me to bully others and when I did, the behavior came out of nowhere. I remember one neighborhood girl I was horrid to. I remember saying to her what my mother and sisters said to me day in and day out. I made that poor child cry and I remember feeling bad about that. I didn't know what to do. I thought her behavior justified my talking to her the way I did.
That is just one snapshot of my background. I am not looking for sympathy. I am simply sharing why I became a bully like my mother and my sisters. I was their victim first, but I became a bully also. I would give anything if I could go back and change it.
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I come from a dysfunctional family, in which alcoholism and abuse have played significant roles. I have been a victim in many ways, but I am deeply conscious of how I myself have been formed by abuse and my stress, my coping mechanisms etc. have been perceived by people I loved as abusive.
I have had many frightening experiences with drinkers. Drunken people can be the most horrible people on earth. I am now visiting regularly a group of abstaining alcoholics. I am a bit of a curious figure, because I have mental problems, but am not an alcoholic, but I fell drawn to this circle, and always feel better and a little bit happier after the 90 minutes I have spent with them.
I feel like I am among the most gentle people on earth, there. It has something to do with being repentant, I think, and also the true nature and history of abuse of most alcoholics. By seeing the error in their former ways, they also learn to grapple all questions of guilt and abuse for the first time in their lives, I feel. I have no trouble believing that you are now a person who found her self, and a person to turn to, if one wants to experience relieve of pain instead of more pain and abuse.