Mopey, its true. maybe its not much about bills to pay and forms to fill in but more about my dad losing his temper with me, reprimanding me for not knowing how to do things, for not understanding things and for not having a little more patience with me. but on the other hand, i KNOW that if i do really need his help he is there. he may have no good manners, no sweet voice, he may not be patient or be good at teaching because he expects others to know what he already knows, but when i need him, practically at least, he is there. he may not be good with words, not good with expressing love or emotions but he shows me anytime i need it, that he is there with me and for me and i've learned to accept that as his way to show love. its almost making me crying now ;( but its the truth.

but yes, im so mad that life is so difficult, that bills arrive every 15 days and that i only seem to work to keep paying bills and little else (pizza with my friend is the only luxury i concede myself). so yes, f*k life and f*k the system too.

Mickey, i did contact my T, we exchanged a few texts she more than once checked on me if i was still there. i appreciated it of her and have prepared another letter to thank her again and quit, yes. thats my plan for now…. and yes, Mopey, the last 2-3 times we did touch heavy stuff like CSA and how it affected and is affecting my every single relationship with men so much that i do not think i can have one at all in my whole life. its not distorted perception, its the truth.

tonight i couldnt sleep half of the night because i was overloaded with thoughts about what i need to do. i wrote down some thing but on others i'll have to work on a little more. maybe i'll ask 2 hours of leave to do what im planning on to do. and i feel such a coward sh|t because of all the support you've given me here that i do not deserve but i truly dont think i can make it. not for long. we'll see in the next days.

Thank you all for your support