First off, thank you for your kind reply. I really appreciate it. Don't worry about my suicidal thoughts, they are just mere thoughts. I love my friends and my boyfriend very much, and I know my suicide will break them.

As for the paying for a grad degree, I applied for it hoping for a scholarship to be given because Oxford gives scholarships once you apply. I already told my family I will be applying and they said they were okay with it, I just need a scholarship, even a partial one would be okay. When I got in they'll said they'll support me and think of smtg, and in the meantime I'm working hard to save up as well. Then as months pass no scholarship emails came, even though I've been applying to quite a few. Then my family started getting angry and saying the horrible things above., and they started being unreasonable. I even said sadly to them, worst case scenario I won't go. then they screamed at me WHY DID YOU APPLY IN THE FIRST PLACE DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE ARE THE APPLICATION FEES WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID AND WASTEFUL. No scholarships, then i was thinking of applying for charities, or fundraising. Then they screamed cannot and it's embarassing and taking money from poor people who need it. I am literally trying to raise money for my education and thinking of all sorts of ideas and they just go like NO, NO, NO and then screaming at me if I have no idea how to pay for it.???? Like...???? what?

I think they have issues. Like i said above, one minute they're nice and supportive and the next they're screaming, and then guilty again and then screaming. They said I'll better take care of them for the rest of their lives or else. I mean, of course I'll pay them back for the loan, but is it really necessary to keep controlling and threatening me ? I'm stressed, depressed with the job market and everytime I say this my mom laughs and say I'm pathetic.

Also, there are no career counselors at my old university. There are no government scholarships for me even though I was born here. I know it's hard to believe, but it really is true. My country is in ruins, economy is hell, my family is forcing me to stay here and giving me hell for it, there's no jobs, no nothing. I'm desperate. It feels like my only chance is to go to Oxford and somehow by some miracle secure a job in the UK as an international student, otherwise I'll legit go to prison for not being able to pay back my loan.

It almost feels like Oxford is just not worth it anymore.

I'm considering a career in industry with mental health research, or even a hospital job working with mental health patients and assisting with diagnosis or even in the lab.

From my pov, it just feels like Oxford is my ticket to success and I can support my family after that.

Thank you for reading