Lyn, your comment "i am glad that she treated you well... it sounds like she really cared" somehow took me by surprise. because what i had taken away from it was "*whew* that seemed close", and you put it in a new perspective that i didn't even see. seems odd not to see that, but i didn't. i get too caught up in the fear.
The thought in my head right after that was "I wonder what it would really take for me to be in such a situation where help is readily evident, and be able to actually say what is going on.... like the lab tech said "is there anything else i can do for you?" in that caring/serious moment what would it take for me to say "i'm suicidal. and i don't even care, but i know i need help." all i did was look at her and shake my head. because i was in the fear moment - the moment of "i have to protect myself from"them"".
part is that the seriousness of such a claim far outweighs all emotion i have around the subject. i really have stopped caring. i hardly eat, i mainly slice up my skin, i don't give an ounce about music or homework.... the fact that i have very little money, looming payments, and no work prospects just add to that.... i don't care.
ths post isn't about any of that tho - it is simply noticing my response as well as the response i didn't have and to see where those two things might bridge the gap at somepoint when i am honest enough and have enough courage.