Thank you Eskielover. I found your post strangely comforting. This morning for the first time in months I woke up full of energy, so am trying to let all that stuff wash over and through me instead of being hooked in emotionally. There will be barbecues in my future life too .

Apart from collapsing in the middle of a highway, I didn't access the health services here. I was suffering from concussion at the same time as having mind-blowing auditory and visual flashbacks, so I asked for help but was refused. I didn't tick the right boxes for them. And I was scared to attempt suicide and end up with a disability. That had happened to a childhood friend of mine whose mind was then completely wiped by old-style ECT. I asked for help and got the weirdest replies such as "if you were an alcoholic, if you had been raped, if you were a person of colour etc then you would fall into our user category. I spent a lifetime asking for help and have a thick file of refusal letters to prove it. I am better off now not asking . It's like I've gone beyond all that into my own knowledge gained from real life experience.

Yet I am hearing what you write about your parents' ignorance. That is what bugged me for a huge long time. That people are left in ignorance by our health system over here. There is no attempt to teach emotional life skills to the hard-working "masses" who are most in need of them. Something could be done, but it doesn't fall within the tidy boundaries of "professionalism". Me on a rant. I always thought that I would take action there, but so far it has been too difficult to pick my way past the various self-interested parties. There was a period of reaching out historically in the 50's and 70's when there was some limited funding for such projects. Rant over!

Scars on my mind, and possibly on my neural pathways there.

Yesterday I shredded a bunch of financial and employment history and stayed out of the emotional stuff. It has been hugely helpful to read your responses here @openeyes. Very supportive just to be able to have a conversation of some sort about this!! Thank you. It's a surprisingly big deal. it has been important to process just a little during this time of transition because I was completely eaten up by logistics and ignoring the emotional side of me.

It is really kind of you to read my often obscure mind-searching, mind waffling, long-winded ramblings!!! Much love your way! Saidso