Quote:
Originally Posted by precaryous
Good to hear from you again, Rachelle.
“I don't think he will initiate more kisses. He will hug me, yes. I know since in the past I twice emailed him to ask him not to hug me anymore. In the session that followed he gave me several full body hugs, so it didn't impress him I guess . I don't think he will kiss me again if I don't initiate a hug myself. This last encounter I was in so much despair he wanted to abandon me that I held his hands and hugged him around his neck out of despair. I think that made him think I felt attracted to him and initiate the kisses, and I don't believe he would repeat that if I would not hug him myself. It is just this darn transference makes me dream about his hugs and kisses, and that is what I need to stop somehow instantly.”
He has created boundaries for you... about outside contact, when he will see you, when he will not.
Can you make boundaries of your own for him such as, “No, you may not kiss me. No, I don’t feel comfortable hugging anymore, etc.” ?
He does *not* hold all of the power. You have immense power. For example, You can fire him. You can refuse treatment. You can refuse intimacies. You can report him. You can say, ‘no,’ and not accept anything less.
Creating healthy boundaries for myself is one of the most important lessons that the exploitation and rape taught me... Creating healthy boundaries is a process for me. Sometimes I’m better at it than other times.
I wish previous therapists had taught me about healthy boundaries years and years ago. It would have saved me a lot of pain.
Perhaps this is where you begin to look into creating healthy boundaries for yourself.
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Thank you so much Precaryous. You are right, it is very important to set boundaries. However, I have noticed my doctor wants to dictate the rules, and I ought to follow them if I want to stay his patient.
We have been in the following situation after one of these situations in which he made it impossible for me to schedule a consult and ignored me for months:
After ignoring me for months, all of a sudden he responded he would help and I would be his patient again. But he wanted to talk to me on the telephone first to discuss things. I then emailed him, okay, and asked him when I could call. (Since I know he gets angry when I call unannounced). I didn't get a response. Days later, I emailed the same question when I could call since I didn't want to disturb him. No response. Days later, I emailed my telephone number with the comment that he perhaps prefers to call me then when it suits him. No response. Days later I ask again if he can please tell me when we can call. (Two weeks had passed by now). Then he responds, and on the telephone was angry saying he had told me not to email and I had not listened to him, but again emailed him too often. I was so upset by that time that I fired back that I only emailed since he told me not to call unannounced and I had thus tried to set up a time to call, but I was ignored. That made him so angry that I was again ignored for a month thereafter which again gave me heaps of stress.
He wants to dictate the rules, and I must follow them exactly as he makes them up, if I want to stay his patient. This apparently is normal behavior for narcissists, and since I want him to stay my doctor: I must learn never to say anything that offends him and to just blindly follow the rules he makes up.
I manage to set healthy boundaries in most of my relationships. But not in this relationship, since I can not loose this man as my doctor and he can be so forceful yet erratic in his behavior I find. And the only way to avoid I get kicked out of his practice is by simply abiding by his rules without any 'but's' and 'what if''s'. Had I been able to arrange everything via his secretary (as his other patients do) I would not have ended up in such a situation. But since he somewhere started to not let me schedule through his secretary (as said: when he once thought I had seen another doctor and felt offended), I ended up in the unfortunate position that now I have to contact him directly. Which makes me feel like a puppet on a string, trying to do exactly as he expects from me or risking abandonment again.
I don't believe he will kiss me again since his reputation as one of the leading doctors in his field is incredibly important to him. But if he wants to hug me as he usually does, I will let him. At this point I'm so afraid to loose him as my doctor. I just want him to be happy to see me, enjoy seeing me, etc. up to the point where he feels less inclined to dismiss me from his practice. Had we not hugged and kissed and had there not been all the physical contact in my consult with him last week, I had already been kicked out. As he was not planning in the least to treat me anymore when I saw him last week. But when I in despair about his abandonment hugged him, and he responded with hugs and kisses and comments how attractive he thought I was. Then he seemed open again to having me as his patient.
It all sounds like a mess - and it is. But I've decided to just NOT email him anymore. (And after seeing him one week ago, I only sent one email last Friday asking him to please not abandon me explaining how important this is for my treatment & disease, and how no other doctor has his capabilities. But I have not emailed him anymore after that). And to just make seeing me enjoyable for him (I don't mean in a sexual way! I'm just saying I won't avoid his hugs or set any other boundary that he may experience as offensive, but will be kind and enthusiastic). To hopefully decrease the chance he will dismiss me as much as I can.
I've had more than enough stress of this. I just want to be his patient again like any other patient without all the anxiety over his abandonment
. That fear for his abandonment has given me so so much stress the past years. I'm afraid how that is affecting the course of my disease: it definitely must stop.
Meanwhile I have also tried to resume contact with some (past) acquaintances to try to distract myself more from whatever it is this man does. To try to enjoy my life a bit more again.
But I am still afraid of the phone call of his secretary this week, and I really hope and pray she will just tell me I'm back in again, and can schedule normally again. Then I will just keep myself silent and will never do anything that offends him anymore, neither email him anymore!
If on the other hand she tells me he can't treat me anymore, I will probably collapse completely. And for the sake of my disease I am (very) afraid of such news I may potentially receive
.