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Originally Posted by TeaVicar?
It sounds like an incredibly difficult situation to be in. You know that he has not behaved in an ethical manner and you're aware that he has been abusive towards you, so leaving would be the best option for you but you feel tied to him because he's the "best" doctor for your chronic condition. You're also worried about your repeated patterns of falling in love and feel guilty about it. Does that sound right?
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Thank you for your thoughtful response, TeaVicar. You formulate that very well and your post is helpful to me.
I'm not sure if I really 'fall in love' with these men though. It seems more like a pattern of hefty paternal transference. It just doesn't seem normal to me that I feel so attracted to these types of men. I should also say that the moment we were hugging and he was kissing me, I didn't feel sexually attracted to him. I wanted to hold on to him like a young child afraid to let go of her father, fearing the threat of his abandonment. I was really in panic and afraid to loose him. I didn't feel any sexual attraction at all.
But the stupid thing is, the moment I don't see him again and the ignoring starts, is the moment the erotic component comes in. I saw another member here describe that very well. She said she had not experienced erotic transference during any of her sessions with her T, until after he abruptly stopped seeing her.
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Originally Posted by TeaVicar?
None of this is your fault. All of those men behaved unprofessionally and exploited you. You've identified the patterns you repeat and how harmful they have been/continue to be, which is very insightful. You've also seen through you're Dr's charm and facade and you know what kind of a man he really is.
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Thank you so much
. I should say this forum has really helped me over the years to at least understand what I was dealing with. I had no idea what was happening to me when I experienced these very intense feelings in the past. Just that it brought me such excruciating hurt as I had never experienced in any of my other 'normal' relationships before. This forum at least has helped me to get insight into what was happening and why I repeated this pattern.
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Originally Posted by TeaVicar?
Knowing what you know about his narcissistic tenancies, how do you know that his reputation hasn't been created by himself? Anyone can write books and lecture. By setting himself up as the only dr who can help you, he's really tying you to him. He's making it look like it's you who's chasing him though, by going silent and therefore drawing you back in. It's a cycle. Check out "echoism" and see if it fits with your experience.
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Unfortunately he is really a genius in his work. (I wish he was not, since it would make it a lot easier for me to leave). Doctors travel from all over the world to get trained by him. He is invited as a speaker to the most distinguished congresses. Patients idolize his work, and so do doctors. He invented treatment methods that other doctors try to implement. He is a doctor, a scientist, and brilliant in his work. This is not just something he makes me believe. He could care less if I leave; for me plenty of other patients that want to get treated by him.
Thank you very much. I looked into the concept of 'echoism'. That is very interesting to me as I had not heard of it. I should say in general I don't see myself as an echoist though. I'm usually not someone afraid to speak up and defend myself, or say what I'm thinking. With this man I definitely act like an echoist on the other hand. Since I'm so terribly afraid to get abandoned by him, and to not have him as my treating doctor anymore. I elaborated a bit about that in my post above this post (in my response to Precaryous).
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Originally Posted by TeaVicar?
Therapy might help you to change your relating pattern. Find someone with a lot of experience, who works with transference. Make sure you feel comfortable with them. It's true that a lot of people in this sub forum are struggling with transference feelings but you have to bear in mind that most people will come onto a forum to post about their problems with therapy, there aren't that many threads about successes.
I hope things get better soon for you. x
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Thank you so much TeaVicar. I really appreciate your insightful response. It helps me to think things over a bit, and to see how to move forward from here. I have emailed a therapist that had published about attachment issues, but unfortunately she did not respond. I'm going to search further. You're of course right that a forum will likely attract more people that may struggle with their therapy. I'm going to keep searching for a good therapist.