Dear Mopey,

now YOU are making me teary eyed.

thank you for your words, thank you for being here, thank you for your support and thank you for understanding.

i must admit i was a bit disappointed in my T. i expected something more. more reaction by words, actions (putting me IP??) or feelings. instead it all seemed so flat, so already accepted and passed or forseen and already dealt with, with no other options. i guess she agrees with me and my thoughts and feelings, even though she denied it.

now only one tiny bit of hope is remained. i'll contact my exT on thursday. i'll already warn him my T already knows eveything so He doesnt have to do or say anything (dont want to put Him in a difficult position), but i do hope He will say something, even just a little tiny word that will warm my heart even though it wont be enough to give me hope of any sort. i just hope for some warmth or connection with Him.

if it wont happen then yes, i'll see no other option or reason to remain except for my parents. but as i already said, i cant live my life for them and i hope they will understand that.

now i just have to focus on passing the night trying to finally sleep (didnt sleep at all tonight thanks to my mind being busy making plans and finding words to say and write to everyone i care about) and overcome half day of work tomorrow morning. but its becoming harder and harder going to work these days… harder and harder. i wish i could call in sick but then what would i do alone at home? i wouldnt go at my parents because i dont want them to see how low i am so i better go to work afterall.

then, in the late afternoon (i wont tell parents i quit T), my dad will come here to help me with the bills and i hope i'll be a good pretender enough because i dont want anyone to know whats going on inside of me. NO ONE, except T and you here guys. THANK YOU.
now just step by step, baby step by baby step actually, i'll try to survive tonight and tomorrow at work. the rest should be easier… but where the hell do i find the strenght to go on living for more days like these??? guess PC is my only strenght at the moment. so thank you again for pushing me through.