Precaryous, I'm really sorry if my post is bringing up a lot for you or anyone here. I do understand the damage exploitative relationships can cause. During and after these past relationships there were genuinely many moments I thought I would not survive as it was so painful I became utterly self-destructive.
So I understand where you are coming from when you feel I am making some terrible decisions, and I understand it may be triggering to others. I am really sorry for that .

However, I thought I had been through a lot and that my life couldn't get worse, and then my chronic disease worsened significantly. The way it progressed erased my dreams and hopes for a better future, my dreams about the things I loved to do, and I started waking up in constant anxiety. Obviously I need a therapist for all this, also. The effects of this disease on my body in addition erase my self-confidence even further.
I often say I would fly to the moon and back if I could undo what this disease is doing to my body and future. And I've gone to great lengths to try to improve my future prospects. I also went to great lengths to be able to see this doctor to treat my disease. I won't bother you with the details of that, but it took me years to accomplish that in the first place.
I can honestly not loose this doctor as my treating physician. It is driving me mad from stress. So I am so sorry but I can not risk loosing him as my doctor. His hugs are usually nothing more than a quick hug in which he will throw his arms over me and pull me quickly against him. I can survive that, certainly if I focus on other things in my life more again than on this man. However I don't see well how to deal with it, if this disease is causing much more destruction in my life than it already did. I really don't see how to live a normal future then.

I just don't want to risk that I again offend my doctor in any way. As it has given me such humongous stress to be abandoned by him. I'm quite confident he will not kiss me anymore. I came walking in without appointment last week, and it was close to lunchtime so everyone walked out to get their lunch. Normally there are other people around and he has less chance to do something like that. Plus as said: he takes great pride in his reputation. He would not put that on the line for a quick fling with a patient. Knowing him a little: I really don't believe that. I believe things got so out of hand the past week since I was so terrified he had abandoned me that I initiated several hugs, which confused him and made him think I was attracted to him (sexually) and he seemed to respond to that. If I don't hug him like that anymore, I don't think he will be so physical with me either anymore. And if I'm back to being his patient again like I was, I will not initiate hugs, I will just be a kind, positive-minded, compliant patient, trying to do exactly as he says without offending him.